Beef Story #122

Author: Reuben

I've got beef with pork.

Raw pork.





THE VERDICT: I CAN PROTECT YOU FROM SHAWN KEMP AND CHUPACABRAS, BUT ONLY YOU CAN PROTECT YOURSELF FROM UNCOOKED PORK PRODUCTS.

Beef Story #121: About Making Babies

Author: CatherineMatherine

sup sup? just wanted to share a beefy story about a mutual friend who will remain unnamed who just had a baby and is a peds resident in H-town. I was scheduled to fly to Houston to take one of my licensing exams on monday sept 21 and since i had a few hours of free time on sunday afternoon, i told our mutual friend that i would love to swing by and see the new baby and of course he said that would be fine, we'd love to see you too. so then i packed up a nice baby gift and hand-carried it all the way to houston and then texted our friend in his native japanese that "moshi moshi, watashi wa in houston" and asked if it was still ok for me to swing by. well, i didn't hear back so an hour later i called and left a voicemail but did not get any response. later that evening, around 11pm i got a text saying that he was just leaving the hospital and didn't get my messages till then, to which i replied that i asked my aunt to leave the baby gift with pastor e next sunday and then followed that up with, "you know this is going in the beef files" which was met with the classic response, "shoot man shoot!"


THE VERDICT: I can't believe all you people are making babies now

Beef Story #120

Author: reuben

Use headphones.
No one wants to hear your crappy music

...especially on an airplane. People are trying to sleep.


THE VERDICT: And don't take pictures with the flash on inside of an airplane when the cabin lights have dimmed either. What was so special about your seat or the seat in front of you that you needed to take 40 pictures of it in the dark? Use common sense, people...

Beef Story #119: Upstanding Los Angeles Citizens Partake in Post-NBA-Finals Festivities

Author: Owner of the car in the picture


The picture says it all



THE VERDICT: I ONCE DUNKED ON THE WHOLE LAKERS TEAM

Beef Story #118: And then a hero comes along

Author: Peter Petrelli

I have beef with all the "fans" who gave up on Heroes. You missed out on a great season 3 finale. If I still had my time travel and teleportation ability I would hunt you all down, tape your eyes open and make you watch every single freaking episode over and over again. Even season 2.


THE VERDICT: THEY GAVE UP ON HEROES LIKE HOUSTON GAVE UP ON ME

Beef Story#117: Old dudes who act like they own the place

Author: reub

So I was in line at the grocery store with a ton of stuff, so I had to place the baskets on the floor and nudge them periodically towards the cashier as the line slowly moved forward. During one such time, I looked down at my groceries and then when I looked back up, this old guy was sort of sliding into the small gap in front of me. He turned and looked at me to see if I saw him so blatantly cut in line, then turned away and hoped I wouldn't notice that an old, smelly guy just magically appeared in front of me. He's lucky I would have felt guilty for punching an old man in the face...even if he deserved it.


THE VERDICT: BE A MAN. DO THE RIGHT THING.

Beef Story #116: It hurts when I pee and I don't know why

Author: somebody

NOOOOooOOOOooooo!!!!!!!!






THE VERDICT: Man, that is MESSED UP

Beef Story #115

Author: rajan

I have a beef against manufactured beef stories.



THE VERDICT: TOO BAD NONE OF THESE STORIES ARE MANUFACTURED

Beef Story #114: Getting Choked By Jack Bauer

Authors: Renee Walker and Bill Buchanan

It doesn't matter how long you've known Jack or how close you think you are to him--he WILL choke you if he thinks its vital to national security.






THE VERDICT: YOU ARE WEAK. YOU WILL NOT DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE IN THE FACE OF EVIL

Beef Story #113: Wake Up America! - Look at your cellphone!

Author: J Krause

You are being screwed and you probably don't even know it. You were taught that you live in the land of the free, right? Do you believe it? If you do, you're wrong. At least when it comes to cellphones. Ever since cellphones were invented, Americans have had some of the worst cellphones in the world. Everytime a "new" cellphone comes out, you think "Wow! Look at what you can do on a phone these days." In fact, what you don't know is that the "new phone" that just came out is over a year old. It's just that you were not allowed to see it. Why not? Because the cellphone companies were not finished selling you their old models. They want to sell you old technology as long as they can before they let you see what's next. Does the rest of the world do this? No. They are not dumb enough to fall for it. The rest of the world gets the new phones as soon as they come out. But here in the US, we rarely look at how people live in other countries. You'd be surprised to see that they live better than you do. Did you know that in Japan and Korea they've had color, high resolution, cable tv on their phones for years and years? You'll be lucky to be "allowed" to buy one of those phones in 2012. I bet it's more like 2015 when you'll be granted that priveladge. Did you know in Japan they had large color screens in Japan and Korea while we were still in high school? (Late 1990's)? We had ugly black and white screens in the US. How is it possible that in the USA we are getting the shaft? because we let the cellphone companies control what is allowed to be sold in our country. Before one of the nice phones from Asia is allowed to be sold in the USA, the cell phone companies DEMAND that the manufacturer take away funcitons, abilities and software that is free in other countries. It's normal for a phone in asia to have Wifi, Bluetooth, internet software, mp3, maybe some video playing, connecting to your computer to let your computer run off your phones internet, etc. The cellphone comanies damaand that most of it is disabled so they can "sell it to you" as an extra feature or as a extra montly charge. Speaking of extra charges, in most countries, in comming calls and text messages are free. You only pay for what you do. How can you control who calls u and who texts you? You can't. Other countries understand this. In America, we understand we can make more money by making both parties pay.

Need proof? HTC is a wondreful up and comming cellphone company. Look at their website. Look and see whatt phones are for sale in the USA, then look at the Taiwan site or the UK site. In the USA we have the touch pro. In Taiwan we have the Touch Pro2. In the USA we have the Touch Diamond. In Taiwan or the UK we have the Touch Diamond2. You won't see those phones in the USA until they are disabled.

Stop letting the cellphone companies control your life! Don't buy their phones. Don't buy from them if you can. I don't even want to get in to the fact that the US is only of the only countries that LOCKS a phone before they sell it. Would u buy a house if they lock it and don't give u the key? No! Then don't buy a locked phone. In other countries any phone works with any company.

Write your senator and ask them to stop cellphone companies from limiting your freedom and ruining products before they're even sold.



THE VERDICT: I SENSE MUCH BEEF IN YOU

Beef Story #112

Author: FBI Agent Larry Moss

I've got major beef with Jack Bauer. We had a conversation today that went like this:

Me: "Look at yourself. You have lost everyone and everything you ever had by doing what you think is necessary. I won't let you do it to her, Bauer. Renee will not end up like you!"
(...long pause....)
Jack: "Are you gonna give me your keys or not?"

And then he stared at me like this for a few seconds.



I've gotta say, it was the most intense thing anyone's ever said to me and also the most uncomfortable 5 seconds of my life.


THE VERDICT: GIVE ME YOUR CAR KEYS--NOW

Beef Story #111

Author: someone from the internetz

Today I talk to everybody and nobody at the same time by posting on Facebook
Before Facebook, I used IM to stay in touch with people
Before instant messengers, I emailed friends regularly
Before email, I called people on the phone
Before I had a phone, I talked to people in person

So I have beef with the internet for making communication both harder and easier at the
same time

Beef Story #110

Author: me

The elevators in my building suck. Here's why:

1. The elevators are SLOW. Not Forrest Gump slow... we're talking Simple Jack slow. I can leisurely walk up the stairs and still beat the elevator to my floor with time to spare. I usually spend this extra time by bringing out some sort of time-keeping device and positioning myself in front of the elevator doors. Once they open, the first thing the passengers see is me staring at my watch, tapping my foot and shaking my head slowly.

2. The elevators shake like crazy and make loud creaking noises like you're really fat and about to fall through the floor.

3. These elevators don't stop on every floor. I wonder how much money they saved by this little act of absolute cheapness. A couple hundred bucks?

4. If you're on one of the middle floors, there's no way to indicate which direction you're going. The elevator will open on your floor even if it's going up and you wanted to go down. You can either go inside and endure the guaranteed prolonged awkwardness with annoyed strangers or just continue waiting longer, risking the chance of missing the elevator if you forget to press the button again...not that it's ever happened to me before....

5. When more than one floor is pressed. The elevator follows the order of the buttons pressed. So if we're starting from the ground floor and someone pushes the button for the 24th floor then I push floor 9, it will go to the 24th floor first, THEN floor 9. Basically it's a mad rush to see who can push their button first and then awkward silence, subdued gloating and icy stares.

6. Scenario: You're on the ground floor and there's an elevator on the 5th floor and one on the 28th floor that's already moving. You call for the elevator and the one from the 5th refuses to come down and you have to wait for the farther elevator to come all the way down while the elevator on the 5th floor does absolutely NOTHING. STUPID STUPID STUPID. Can someone shoot whoever programmed the logic for this stupid elevator?? Here let me google that for them: http://tinyurl.com/cxrwxq




THE VERDICT: Take the stairs

Beef Story #109

Author: Reuben's stomach

Stop feeding me disgusting sugarless oatmeal for lunch or I'll make you puke at the next important meeting you have to attend.


THE VERDICT: MEESA SO HUNGRY ANI!!!!

Beef Story #108

Author: reub


The upstairs neighbors are at it again. They're POOING and singing karaoke. Every time they lay down a stinker we can smell every little detail down here because of a faulty, leaking pipe. The pooing--I can understand. Nature calls. But it's the late-night karaoke that's beefin' me.

The last time they had their late-night karaoke torture session, I called the police and my transformation into the old cranky downstairs neighbor was complete. About an hour later the karaoke stopped and the police didn't arrive yet so I went to sleep. Then a half hour later the phone rings....and it's the police.

Police: Are you the one who called? Are your neighbors still making a disturbance??
Me: Uh, no. They stopped nearly an hour ago.
Police: Do you want to come down here so you can file a report?
Me: I'd like to file a report against the both of you ... but nah, that's okay--I just wanna get some sleep. I'll get you back later. Thanks for nothing.
Police: You're welcome. Have a pleasant evening.


THE VERDICT: I'VE GOT NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT THAT

Beef Story #107

Author: Anonymous

My girlfriend was shopping for shoes so I sat down to play some GTA: Chinatown Wars on my DS. Soon enough, a crowd of little kids gathered around me and wanted to know what I was playing. How could I break it to the little tikes that I was murdering police officers, stealing cars, and selling drugs? So actually this beef isn't for me. I'm filing for the parents of those kids, who are probably wondering why their kids are asking them why powder coke is more expensive then the liquid kind. Hey, it's just a game.


THE VERDICT: You're an awful human being

Beef Story #106

Author: reuben

So I'm just chillin' in my apartment minding my own business when the downstairs neighbors decide to start screaming at each other at the top of their lungs. Usually most people don't have the lung capacity to sustain such an intense level of yelling and rage for prolonged periods of time but somehow these people just can't seem to stop.

After yelling "SHUT YER HOLE!!!!" out the window things seemed to quiet down and we were given a brief respite (probably due to the awkwardness). However, within the next few minutes the yelling continued. When I was younger, my friends and I would make so much noise in our apartment that our downstairs neighbors would smack their ceiling with a broomstick to get our attention and potentially shame us into being quiet. It never really worked. Now I'm the one with the broomstick and oh how the tables have turned. Some might say it's karma, justice, or reaping what you sow. I say it's beef.


THE VERDICT: BEEFY, THIS IS

Beef Story #105

Author: Reub


I have beef with my downstairs neighbor. She had the nerve to knock on our apartment door at 4am in the morning to tell me to stop playing the drums!!! can you believe her??!!


THE VERDICT: BEEFY

Beef Story #104

Author: Anonymous

OH MY GOODNESS. So I was taking a dump and usually I wait for the bathroom to empty out before I leave so I don't have to face the awkwardness of seeing other people in the bathroom. but then as I'm about to leave I hear someone walking around the bathroom, just loitering. Then he starts jingling his keys and pacing around my stall. By now I've realized it's the janitor and he's not leaving until I get out of the stall. Of course by now I've also been just sitting there for at least 10 minutes waiting for this jerk to leave, but he's still there, standing RIGHT OUTSIDE the stall, jingling his keys, and even LOOKING IN THE STALL??!!! WHAT THE CRAP!?!! I'll just crap all over the floor like Sean would. That'll show him.


THE VERDICT: THAT'S ASSAULT, BROTHER

Beef Story #102

Author: Reuben

A Beefy Bathroom Story
(proudly presented by MC Hammer)

my lyrics are hype and dope.
reubs was chilling in a stall on the 8th flo' (floor)
when a sucka wit a problem sits next to him
makin' some loud sounds like a cotton gin
when he finished his bidness (business)
he said "oh my goodness"
and the toilet overflowed into reuben's stall
word to yo mutha


THE VERDICT: I WORK IN THE SAME BUILDING AS REUBS!

Beef Story #101

Author: Reuben

Ok, I apologize... looking over the past few beef files made me realize the quality of beef recently has been.. well...crappy. And it's my fault since I'm the only one who contributes beef these days. What happened to all the beef stories about flatulence and bathroom humor? Well, it's back BABY!!

Click here for a little background info and definitions before we get started

Anyways, at work I'm seated in a very central location; in other words, everybody and their mother can see me at all times--especially if I start to fall asleep or hide under my desk. Not that I'd do that. I wish I sat in the corner somewhere next to a window like a certain individual who shall go unnamed.

So in order to be a good worker, I started drinking coffee, but it doesn't help anymore (I became immune to it when I drank so much coffee to stay awake in comp360) and my final option is to go into the bathroom and just close my eyes for a minute or two, then return to work. I found this is really helpful because it forces me to get out of my chair and closing my eyes even for a short time helps reenergize me. But I digress...the problem with this new strategy, however, is that at almost any given time, there is someone taking a dump in the bathroom. It really doesn't matter which floor you go to: everyone knows the tactic of going to other floors to use the bathroom to avoid embarassment. I see this all the time.. people who you've never seen before come to your floor and go straight for the bathroom. Look for this next time you're at the office, you'll probably see it all the time. So I guess I'll have to go to Doubletree or Allen Center to use the bathroom from now on. They have nice bathrooms.

Back to my point: it's not very relaxing to walk into the bathroom and close your eyes, only to smell the funk of another person's dump, ergo defeating my purpose of going into the bathroom in the first place. So today I walked into a stall but belatedly noticed the tell-tale tapping of someone's foot and the rustling of the day's newspaper which indicated the presence of an out-of-the-closet pooper. Realizing that my position had been compromised, I pretended to blow my nose in the stall and then started to leave. Then I had to fart and I had the most wonderful idea. My final revenge against this bathroom loiterer was to crudely break the awkward silence by farting as loud as I could. I held in a laugh and planned to leave the bathroom as soon as possible but as I was about to walk out one of my co-workers entered the bathroom. Caught off-guard, I walked to the sinks to pretend-wash my hands and my co-worker did so as well (it is common to scout out a bathroom and, seeing someone else in there already, pretend to wash your hands and leave so that you can find another bathroom or walk back to your cubicle where you'll wait until the pooper leaves).

Anyway, I got caught up in a conversation with my co-worker, and eventually the pooper finished and exited the stall, and looked straight at me as if to say (so you thought you could just fart and leave without me seeing who it was but now I see you and the upper hand is once again mine--MUH HAHAHAHA) and now he knows that I'm the one who farted. Oh, how the tables have turned against me.


THE VERDICT: YOU ARE SO WEIRD!

Beef Story #100

Author: Reuben

Hmmm, it's the 100th beef file. You'd think I'd save the 100th beef file for some momentous, gigantic beef story, but no. Why am I the only one posting beef? Am I the only one who has beef now-a-days? I even overhear people I know MISUSE and ABUSE the true meaning of beef. Maybe the beef files really are dying and now this is just a bunch of complaining and whining from me. Which is what I kind of intended it to be in the first place so oh well.

I have beef with SPAM. Not the good spam that most hardcore flips enjoy, but the evil kind that gets in your email accounts everyday. All of my email addresses receive tons of spam which must be deleted each day. Even my old Rice account, which used to be virtually spam-free is now nothing but spam, spam, spam. And the beefiest part is that Hotmail now provides so-called "junk filters" but when I turn it on it filters out all of my REAL email and puts all of the CRAP email in my inbox. What's up with that?


THE VERDICT: CHOO CHOO~!!!

Beef Story #99

Author: Reuben

Okay, so my newest beef is with electrical plugs that aren't designed to share space with other plugs. You've probably seen it before--you buy a cool gadget from Best Buy and you go to plug it in only to find out that there's not enough space on any convenient wall outlets since you've already got two surge protectors full of plugs there waiting to explode. After the difficult task of deciding which appliance/computer component/video game system to unplug, you find out that the plug for your newest toy doesn't fit anywhere unless you remove almost ALL the plugs because the plug is so FREAKIN' HUGE and takes up like a million spaces. Don't they know that we've got other things to plug into the wall and don't have the space for these huge plugs? At least Nintendo got it right with the Gamecube because they made the plug normal size and the huge part is far enough away where you don't have to worry about it taking up space. As for the rest of you electronic companies...GET IT STRAIGHT.



THE VERDICT: THAT'S PRETTY BEEFY

Beef Story #98

Author: Reuben

Check this out... my website's going down soon after I graduate so I gotta find a place to host my website, but I can't find any place that let's you link images from other sites (like blogger) so instead of pictures i get this stupid "Image Hosted by Tripod" crap.



THE VERDICT: IS THIS THE END OF THE BEEF FILES!!???

Beef Story #97

Author: Reuben the Unreachable

Crap, this beef file just got erased...oh well, basically it went like this: whenever people called my phone it went directly to my voicemail all the time without my phone ever ringing and I had to go to Cingular (Which I called Suckular for a short period of time until they fixed my phone) to get it fixed except it was still all screwed up so I had to call customer service and they finally fixed the problem.


THE VERDICT: WE GET NO SIGNAL

Beef Story #96

Author: joyceleepee

this is REALLY FUNNY. bECAUSE, the BEEFy person's name sounds just Like BEEF! IN fact, her name is BEEFin', almost like "b-i-t-...in'" but it's "Beefin'" baby! (really spelled bifen, but since i have beef with her, and i didn't know how to spell her name at first, i just assumed "beefin" cause that's just the most logical way to spell it.)

Anyways, apparently she knows Alisi (my sister), and I was eating lunch with my friend, who is friends with Beefin, so that is how I met Beefin and we all were talking like normal. But Beefin finds out I'm sisters with "the poet," and she begins to talk about how she also knows alisa and etc etc which is cool.. and then she says, "wow, but you guys dress totally different..." and i was like yeah, alisa's cooler than me, i like how she dresses... and beefin is talking about how me and alisa did bear some resemblance, but "...she definitely has a different style..." I smile and nod and agree. Blah blah, more talking, "something about alisa, but you definitely dress really conservatively..." Uh huh. okay. "Oh, I love her hair, it's so long and curly, i think she has a perm" (i inform that it is natural and no perm) - "oh, but yeah, i could tell by your face that you guys were sisters, but you and her look totally different - your hair is straight, and doesn't she ahve the cool !
glasses? and yeah, she dresses way more different - she has like a cool spunky style"

yeah, i start to realize why her parents name her Beefin, cause they knew she'd be pretty Beefin' BEEFY! hahahaa - well, it doesn't bother me as much that she thinks i dress "badly" or not desirably compared to alisa, because yeah, i like alisa's style, and i just don't care enough i guess to expend energy into my clothing as much unless i'm specificlaly going to a party or something more than just classes, but the thing that made me annoyed was that she was so conscious of outer appearance and knowing that she was making such an assessment out of the clothes i wore and the way my hair looked and i guess probably that i wear no make-up, (since both her and my friend obviously do wear make-up) -but i've never had someone so blatantly and obviously and in my face judge me on my appearance. yeah, so in conclusion, beefin, is, beefy.!

YEA! I'm glad i got to submit something (though i know that the nature of this beef file IS very girly in content but it was fun to write anyway!)


THE VERDICT: THAT'S BEEFIN' BEEFY IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF..

Beef Story #95

Author: Reuben

Steve and I were up at 7am for tennis and it's a long walk to the wiess tennis courts, so we're usually happy to take a Rice shuttle whenever we can. We saw the shuttle not too far away and then we started running to the bus stop to make sure we could get on. It looked as if the bus driver was going to slow down; however, we were about two seconds away from reaching the bus stop when the bus speeds up all of a sudden. We KNOW the driver saw us running. All I have to say about that is... BEEFY.


THE VERDICT: WE WERE TRAINED TO FIND AND FOLLOW THE OTHER BUSES AT ALL COSTS.

Beef Story #94

Author: Jonathan Krause

I have some major beef. Ohk, there is this weird girl here at Lingnan who is really weird, and she has some kind of indescribable grossness about her that is magnified by her ability to make me feel sick. I've been trying to avoid her, but she likes to talk to Americans and she ends up EVERYWHERE I am. She goes to the same meetings, she sees me around campus, and her dorm room is right by mine; she's even in one of my classes AND she goes to the same church! It was going to be two classes, but I dropped the other class. hehe.. I showed her! She advised me to reconsider! I'll reconsider NOTHING! HAHA But in the other class I have to run out of the room when class ends so I don't have to talk to her, it's like the toilet that Reuben has to deal with. So here is the beef, the church I go to is really far from school and this family offers to drive people in their car from our school, which saves me lots of bus and MTR fees. I said I'd go in their car this week. I've gone a few times and it is usually not too bad because a few different students come with us. But guess and who ends up coming this week?!! JUST ME AND HER!!!!!!!!! No other people to make it easier to avoid talking to her. Usually three people come. AND today turned out to be "compulsory going to lunch with the people" day. So I had to sit by her for lunch. I tried to get out of lunch 3 times.. no doing.. I thought the ride there was bad; I tried to make her talk to the family and I innocently looked out the window. But here's the beef. they said they can't take us back! We have to take the bus! A ONE HOUR BUS! Of course I have to go with her and walk and take the same bus and talk and be all "let's go back to school together", and I can't just IGNORE her and be mean. oh my.. it was terrible.. I pretended to fall asleep on the bus and not talk. it was so long.. beef.. beef I say.. Never offer someone a ride them make them go home with beefy people alone on the bus!


THE VERDICT: HOLY BEEF, BATMAN!!

Beef Story #93

Author: Reuben

I never thought I'd see the day when I had beef with Best Buy. Don't get me wrong, I love Best Buy...turn on the fun!! It's the best store ever...except for the whole rebate thing. I bought a 100 pack of CD-R's (for backup purposes of course) and it had two rebates so in effect I'd be paying only $9.99 for all those wonderful CD-R's!!! However, the two rebates must be mailed to different locations and they both require the ORIGINAL UPC code from the spindle. What the crap?!! How am I going to send the original upc to two places at once without a cloning device of some sort?? So i guess I'm going to have to settle for only one of the rebates because I wouldn't want to risk having BOTH rebates voided if I were to do something crazy like cut the upc code in half or (heaven forbid) PHOTOCOPY it. You haven't heard the last from me Best Buy!!!!


THE VERDICT: FUN TURN ON

Beef Story #92

Author: Reuben

The water pressure for the toilet in our room is so powerful that it sprays water everywhere. This is the nastiest thing i've ever experienced and my roomates and I must suffer through this torture everyday until Steve constructs a rope-and-pulley system that will allow us to flush the toilets from outside the stalls. Until then, I'll be "flushing and running."



THE VERDICT: YOOSA GOTTA BIG TOILET PROBLEM!!!

Beef Story #91

Author: Reuben

A few of us went to watch Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers the other day on friday afternoon, which turned out to be a not-so-good idea because ALL the kids were out at that time watching the movie, too. The overall enjoyment of the movie was somewhat diminished when kids would clap at every scene (i.e., oooOOooHHH!!! Gandalf!!!! or OoooOOoohHH!! Legolas!!!!) and then other kids and sometimes adults would tell them to shut up. This went on constantly during the last third of the movie.


THE VERDICT: THAT WAS LORD OF THE RINGS BUNCH OF CROCK

Beef Story #90

Author: Reuben

So our Esperanza group was trying to get into Minute Maid Park for the dance but we didn't have tickets and those uptight punks from the RPC wouldn't let us in even though there was less than 30 minutes left before the dance would end. So we ended up dancing outside in the cold. Freakin' racists...



THE VERDICT: THE ROD UP THE RPC'S BUTT MUST HAVE A ROD UP ITS BUTT.

Beef Story #89

Author: Catherine Matherine

I decided that I would go volunteer at the local hospital as something nice to do for the community as well as a way to confirm or reject my hypothesis that I should apply to med school next year. I called up the volunteer office and they told me to bring in my immunization records as well as my SS ID and my driver's license and that I'd have to take a reading test and go through a volunteer interview. So I called my brother and asked him to email my records and I made sure not to go out of town for the weekend just so I could go in on Monday, Veteran's Day, one of my precious few days off from work. Well, I didn't even get to stick my head in the door when the woman in the volunteer office (who was playing Solitaire when I walked in) asked me what I wanted, and I said that I wanted to volunteer (duh!). She asked me if I was a student, and I said no, but that I was thinking about applying to med school and wanted to get more experience. She said, "I'm sorry, but our next premed orientation session is in February. Come back then." I asked her if there were any other spots open during the evenings or weekends and she said "Do I not look like I'm being truthful? I have 300 people just like you who want to get "exposure". You can't just weasel your way in here without going through the premed orientation like everyone else!" Then she said many other rude things to me before I left. Some "interview"!!!!



THE VERDICT: BEEFY

Beef Story #88

Author: Reuben

I HATE FIRE ALARMS. The fire alarm in my room kept going off and setting off every alarm in Martel for no reason. It went off at around 4am and woke up everybody (including people who had a diffe test the next morning) and then it went off again at 10am the next day while I was taking a dump. Now everyone wants me dead. This is beefy because I didn't do anything, yet they still cry out for my blood.


THE VERDICT: LAO TIAN!!!!!!

Beef Story #87

Author: Catherine Matherine

At first I thought this story [I read about the guy who posed as a student at Rice] was about the bus driver. But then I realized that it was about another guy, and the bus driver is still out there posing as a rice student.


THE VERDICT: CAT LOVE CRABBING

Beef Story #86

Author: Grace

Well I have beef with a certain movie I will call THE SWEETEST THING...apparently it is just extremely shady and there is nothing sweet about it. Randy, Kong, and I watched the whole movie expecting it to get better..but in the end it still sucked. NEVER watch this movie! I am warning all of you out there that are fooled by the nice picture of 3 sweet looking girls on the cover...DO NOT RENT IT! Okay..that is all =o)



THE VERDICT: THAT'S SO RACIST, I MEAN SHADY

Beef Story #85

Author: Reuben

I have beef with BLOGGER because their servers are crappy and unreliable. Also, I've been trying to archive my blogs but their archive stuff doesn't work and so my blogs dissappear, never to be found again after i post too many messages to my blog. Classic Beef, gone forever!! okay, not really.
But I'm really beefed at BLOGGER because their website only talks about how cool they are and how many people use blogger while i can't find what i'm looking for in the help section and they don't respond to my emails. So BLOGGER, YOU SUCK. I don't care if you take down the beef files or my other blog but the world must know YOU ARE BEEFY!!!!


THE VERDICT: MCAT IS BEEFY

Beef Story #84

Author: Reuben

This beef story is to commemorate the one year anniversary of our return from the Japan mission trip last year.

While we were in the airport in Japan getting our luggage checked out, the security people looked at my bag under the x-ray and then started to act concerned all of a sudden. They took my bag aside and told me to go with them as they inspected the contents of my luggage. On the x-ray monitor I could see a big shiny metal thing--my yakuza (japanese mafia) sword. "Oh, great", i thought, "I KNEW they weren't gonna let me take that thing back to America."
So they opened my luggage and said, "What is this??!"
Me: "That's a sword."
Airport people: "No, not that...THIS."
And at that point they picked up my tambourine and started staring at it.
Me: "Uh, that's a tambourine."
Them: "Oh, okay."
Then they put everything back in my bag and let me pass.


THE VERDICT: SMELL MY FOOT

Compiled Beef (Story #41-83)

Beef Story #83:
Author: Timp

first id like to welcome yoda to the beef council, i am eager to see what
kind of great wisdom he will show in the verdicts.

on to the beef: the story of the sexist snow crab leg steamer! except he wasnt
sexist so my mom told me like 5 times that if i get snow crab legs at todai and i want
to get them steamed i just take them up to the lobster man and he'll heat em up
for me so i did and i asked him if he could heat them up for me but he quickly
shook his head no and put up 2 fingers to ward me off and i was severely
disheartened and then my sister went up there and he gladly did and so figured
it was a sexist thing and then her bf went up and he gladly did his so it wasnt
a sexist thing and then i was so beefed i grabbed another plate of them and went
up there and he stood and looked at me with disdain and after he figured out i
wasnt gonna leave he hesitantly took the snow crab legs, beefy

THE VERDICT: THAT'S SO RACIST, I MEAN SEXIST

Beef Story #82:
Author: ReuBulawinUy

As I was driving home late one night I got onto 6-10 W and as I entered the
freeway a boot comes flying out of nowhere and hits my driver-side window.
Then I see a car speed by with a bunch of hoodlums in the car. Yeah, I would've
chased them down and killed them if I weren't such a gentle person.

THE VERDICT: YOUSA GETA BOOT!!! AHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Beef Story #81:
Author: Emily Gould

I have beef with Reuben because I stole his idea of beef and am
trying to make millions of dollars off of it without giving him credit.
And he's asian. Man, i hate those asians.
Emily (send all your spam to revengemag@hotmail.com)
PS--I drink my own pee and eat my own poo

THE VERDICT: GIRL, YOU SO CRAZY

Beef Story #80:
Author: Reuben

We were going to watch Star Wars: Episode 2 -- Attack of the Clones at the earliest
possible showing so we ordered tickets from AMC online for Thursday 12:45am. When we went
to pick up the tickets they informed us that to them, Thursday 12:45am means Friday 12:45am.
I patiently explained to them that the day changes after midnight but they didn't seem to understand
so we had to watch episode II the next day. Shoot man, shoot.

THE VERDICT: MEESA SOWWIE!!!

Beef Story #79:
Author: Lenny

I am having a major beef with Colorado. How can a team we beat by thirty points win the crucial game and beat up a no. 1 team right before, too? Doesn't it know it's supposed to stay down? Having a cool mascot does not allow you to win the SEC championship and disallow UT from having a chance at the title. that's some beef.
even more beef... how can you let a person have super smash brothers melee but not a gamecube to play it on? It's like giving a soldier ammo and no gun.... A hungry guy a fork and no food... There's going to some big bovine problems if they don't give me my gamecube the same time i get the game on monday. i'm bringing a bat to stress my point.

THE VERDICT: KAZAAM SUCKS!!!

Beef Story #78:
Author: Eric (mmmm...beef from Japan!)

Beef: Hey what's up everybody! First off, I'd like to tell about Japanese beef.
You see, there's this thing called "kyougyuubyou." Literally
translated it means "Mad Cow Disease." Yes, they have to inspect
every cow in the land for evidence of the dreaded bovine spongiform
encephalitis, or whatever it is. Anyway, eating beef here is a little risky,
but that doesn't stop me. Buuuut, itsn't it funny how everyone in Japan has
beef with beef? Hahahahahahahaha!!!

THE VERDICT: PRETTY BEEFY--WEESA THE SAME PERSON!!

Beef Story #77:
Author: Eric

Beef: So I have beef with Japan. Er, Rice. Er, the JTW program. I dunno,
someone. You see, when I was at Rice, I talked to Eva Lin about her wonderful
JTW experience. She said "Oh, the classes really aren't up to Rice
standards, I had a lot of free time to use for church stuff and part-time work
and all kinds of things. It was great!"

With that thought in mind, I happily applied and sent myself off to Fukuoka.
However, as I discovered after I was here, JTW is crazy hard!

In my Japanese class the teachers give us these worksheets and do them at such
a speed that you don't have time to ask questions or write down new information
or anything before they call on you and embarrass you in a public fashion. Then
they give you quizzes which I and my friends manage to fail every time. Then
they give you homework everyday over stuff that you learn the NEXT day in
class. So that makes the homework a little tough to do, and of course the
grades on the homework are quite ugly also. Actually, they aren't anymore.
Because they stopped putting grades on our homework. BUT IT STILL COUNTS. So
now I actually don't know the extent to which I'm failing my Japanese class.
AAAAAAH. But it's OK right? Grades aren't important. All that matters is how
you play the game. <exit stage left, soft sobbing sounds are audible in
background, close curtain>...

THE VERDICT: JUST INTERPOLATE AND YOU’LL BE FINE.

Beef Story #76:
Author: LENNY (not Chow)

This is weird because I have beef with myself. Yeah, I have this condition where I can't make any new memories so I keep writing notes to myself and
tatooing stuff on my body. I'm looking for my wife's killer but my two main clues are the facts on my arm. FACT 1: CAAM sucks. FACT 2: STAT sucks. What does this mean? And I have a picture of someone named Jigglypuff who I'm supposed to kill.

Now where was I? Oh yeah, do you remember Sammy Jenkins?

THIS HOMEWORK IS SO EASY AND TRIVIAL, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT!

Beef Story #75:
Author: Reuben

I ordered some maracas so I could play Samba De Amigo on my Dreamcast, but too bad they don't work. And when I emailed the company (or person) who originally sold them they told me to make a long distance call to their "technical support" hotline, which just turns out to be some guy's house. And they're never home when I call. Oh yeah, the instructions don't make any sense either.

THE VERDICT: ONE TIME I SHOT THIS GUY WITH A NAIL GUN... THEN I CLEVERLY REMARKED, "I NAILED YOU!!".. HA HA HA HA, I AM A GENIUS.

Beef Story #74:
Author: leepee

mr. olajuwon joined the bbs, but he sounds like a fob. i think there is an
imposter hanging around the SSoLBBS...mmmmmm....fobbigurl?!?! =P

but yeah - even if hakeem is on a different team (and he looks crazy weird with
another NBA uniform on that does not say Houston Rockets), I still love him and
I do not like the fact that someone, or someFOB is impersonating him. hmph.

THE VERDICT: I HEARD THAT REUBEN TRIED TO STEAL OLAJUWON'S NEWSPAPER A LONG
TIME AGO.

Beef Story #73:
Author: Reubs

So AMD tricked a bunch of us into getting up at 4 in the morning so we could
drive out to Willowbrook mall (which is out in the middle of nowhere) because
they were supposedly giving out 200 new AMD Athlon XP processors.
Unfortunately, they defied the flimsy laws of statistics and probability and
not one of us received a processor that day. And the AMD people were loud and
annoying.

THE VERDICT: WITHOUT ME, THE NBA IS NOTHING, YOU HEAR ME?? NOTHING!!

Beef Story #72:
Author: Reubs

I was on the way to Super Target after a long, hard day of playing Super
Smash Bros., er I mean studying, when I noticed that my speedometer wasn't
working anymore. Man, this is beefy. And we also lost a full-court game of
basketball to a bunch of Econ profs. It's a sad day for skinny asian ballers
everywhere.

THE VERDICT: WITHOUT ME, THE ROCKETS ARE NOTHING, YOU HEAR ME?? NOTHING!!

Beef Story #71:
Author: Cosmo

I've got beef with a certain Korean who we shall call SEAN KIM. He keeps
calling me "Bosno" when he knows full and well that my name is really
COSMO.

THE VERDICT: ARRF!!!

Beef Story #70:
Author: Steve So

I want to major in basket weaving. Rice doesn't offer it. Whats up with
that? I'm gonna go to UT to take bskt 525 - advanced basket weaving
architecture. Oh yeah... Stat sucks too.

THE VERDICT: YOU COME IN PEACE, YOU GO IN PIECES...

Beef Story #69:
Author: Reuben

Oh yeah, how could I forget??? Before I left for Japan, I took my car to the
shop to get everything fixed so I thought everything would be all good when I
got back...EXCEPT, I made the mistake of allowing my brother to borrow the car
while I was gone. When I got back, the car was dirty (i haven't bothered
cleaning it though), my hubcaps were gone because the tires had to be replaced,
the bumper paint was peeling, there were some shady dents in random places on
my car, and the passenger-side door doesn't open without a fight now. WHAT THE
HECK HAPPENED???

THE VERDICT: WHY DOES ALL THE BAD STUFF HAPPEN TO REUBEN???!!!!

Beef Story #68:
Author: Reuben

Oh yeah, I've got beef. This is only the beginning...
I've got beef 'cuz they took my gameboy advance for 4 weeks. And then i've got
beef with Nintendo for not putting a backlight into the gameboy advance. Then I
have beef with all the companies who make accessories for Gameboy Advance
because they all really suck. My battery pack only lasts one hour and you can't
tell when it's fully charged and all the gameboy lights i've ever tried still
don't make the gameboy screen bright enough. Now my eyes hurt. Of course, I
wouldn't need to buy extra lights if the gameboy advance came with a backlit
screen...oh wait, i already said that.

THE VERDICT:

Beef Story #67:
Author: Reuben

At the Q, I was working out and one of the trainers came up to me and says:
"hey, bro, you gottaa burraka fruafjajzzz jejir keefajiss! just chill cuzz
ueme arburretoo, eh???" And since I was completely confused I just said,
"Ok" and tried to finish my set. Then he comes back five minutes
later and says: "hey guuobaaboo!! terok bubba vott smaz!" And he
points at my sandals and kicks me out of the workout area.

THE VERDICT: IT'S TOO DANGEROUS (NOT TO MENTION SHADY) TO WORK OUT IN YOUR
SANDALS

Beef Story #66:
Author: Reuben

I went to Walmart which is supposedly open 24 hours, right? But when I got
there the entrance was blocked off by rows and rows of shopping carts. After
going in through the exit, I proceeded to the electronics section, which was
also blocked off by piles and piles of boxes and displays. After jumping over
the pile of crap a big employee came and kicked me out. I'll get you
Walmart....if it's the last thing i do....

THE VERDICT: WHY ARE THERE LOCKS ON THE DOORS IF IT'S OPEN 24-7??!!

Beef Story #65:
Author: Crazy Bullard Fan

I've got beef with the Rockets 'cuz they traded the Bull, the legacy, the
glue that holds this stupid city together. Way to go Rudy T...

THE VERDICT: I CAN'T BELIEVE I GOT TRADED. NOW I'VE GOT BEEF WITH HOUSTON.

Beef Story #64:
Author: Starts with L, ends with PEE

Those movies were beefy. The ones that we watched on the plane [back from
Japan]. I defiantly threw down my headphones after 10 minutes of SpyKids and
defiantly went to sleep. I was being defiant in the face of a beefy movie.

THE VERDICT: ARGH!! SPYKIDS!! =(

Beef Story #63:
Author: Leepee

Krause was beefy because on the plane ride from Tokyo to LA, we were sitting
in a row of 4 seats (in the middle section of the plane), but I was in the seat
next to the right aisle, and he was next to me. The two left seats were empty.
Eric, from another Yamagata team, therefore decided to sit in the left aisle
seat, but Krause decided that he got to hog up all the space the two middle
seats provided. But that wasn't the real beefy part. The beefiest part was that
Krause was technically both on the "right" and "left"
sides, so whenever the stewardesses passed by with drinks, he could and would
grab a drink from both sides! I was so mad that I drank all of his coke before
he could say "What Roobs!" And then I drank his container of Cheju
Water quite defiantly, and I was trying to take it down with one gulp, but it
didn't quite work, but I still had my revenge. Krause never had montezuma's
revenge.

THE VERDICT: MONTEZUMA, YOU DEVIL

Beef Story #62:
Author: Starts with L, ends with BUSDRIVER

girls are beefy. no joke.

THE VERDICT: THE END

Beef Story #61:
Author: Lenny (in London)

chinese food is butt expensive in london. Due to hoof and mouth, i can't
have beef. but i do have beef because of this. I have beef cuz i can't have
beef. Beefy, no?

oh yeah, the busdriver can now drive a double decker bus. Now twice the
capacity to make stops on the bus route. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

oh yeah, asian girls with english accents are sooooooooooooo awesome.

THE VERDICT: BEEF BEEF BEEF

Beef Story #60:
Author: Reub

Another beef story?? Yup. This time I was in a First Colony Mall bathroom
stall "gettin' my pee on" when this orange cone goes flying by me. As
I exited I noticed a rather amused young boy washing his hands and giggling. I
gave him my best hardcore stare as if to say, "Man, please...it's gonna
take a lot more than that to phase me--I'm from Westbury...punk." But all
he did was laugh at me.

THE VERDICT: AT LEAST A LITTLE KID DIDN'T SHOOT YOU IN THE FACE WITH A SUPER
SOAKER AT THE POOL PARTY

Beef Story #59:
Author: Reub the Boob

It's been a while since I've written a beef story for myself, but this is
definitely beef-worthy...
So last summer I used to work at Smoothie King, and it was the best job in the
world. But when I called my boss so I could work at Smoothie King before I
leave for japan this summer, he tells me "We have too many workers."
And it turns out some guy who we shall call "Jerri" took over my spot
while I was gone and works like 80 hours a week or something since it seems
like he's always there. This is worse than the time TGWTU came and threw up on
everything...

THE VERDICT: THATSA SUCKS!!

Beef Story #58:
Author: Lenny

right... so it looks like i'm one out of three guys on this trip to england
out of 30 people. man, there's a lack of testosterone on this trip... pretty
beefy. too bad kong wasn't here.... he woulda had a field day working his
magic.

THE VERDICT: YOUR SHADINESS DISAPPOINTS ME

Beef Story #57:
Author: Lenny

I have a beef with Sammy's cuz they don't do anything over there anymore. I
remember way back in the day when I was pretty excited to go there for a meal,
and a good meal was there waiting to be eaten.... for a price. Now, they can
rip you off without even doing anything because just about everything is
pre-made over there. It's almost as if they want you to ask them to make
something just so they can tell you, "get it yourself" or "we
don't have it. this is all we serve." Some vast conspiracy... Right now, I
can't even enjoy a decent lunch at the RMC anymore because the bastards only
serve grilled stuff, which isn't very good in the first place, and baked
potatoes. I have never seen a lazier cafeteria. I swear, a cafeteria run by
qudraplegics is able to make better or more food available than this lot.
They'll probably charge you less, too. shoot...
Oh yeah, beef with the new cop that looks like a little boy. She goes well out
of her way to write tickets in the stadium. If that isn't beefy, then what is?
good luck on finals ya'll.

THE VERDICT: mmmmMMMMMMMmmmMMMMmmm!!

Beef Story #56:
Author: Gilbert Wang

So I went home over spring recess and instead of writing four papers and
doing some comp project (which is also beefy, but that's another point), I did
other people's taxes cause my dad is an accountant. Anyway I was just reminded
of how the federal government owed me four cents from when they jacked it from
my comp 100 labby job. So one day i turn in four time sheets at once, and got
$290 on my paycheck. Except they withheld four cents for the federal income
tax. I dunno, supposedly they take off four cents for every $290 you make or
something, but that was the last time i turned in four time sheets in at once.

Oh and I also got beef with my sixth grade homeroom teacher for letting me skip
english to go to the junior high school and take algebra. So now I'm
illetierate and i have a bunch of papers to write, but which i can't because i
never learned how to outline a paper.

THE VERDICT: AWWWW NOoOooooo

Beef Story #55:
Author: Krause

Man! Talk about beef! I think Voice Stream is Powered By Beef! They have
been sending me wrong bills for 7 months. They range fro $200 to $700. And they
are ALWAYS their fault! So I call and call, and after 4-5 calls per bill, they
admit defeat! Cause they try to set up me the bomb! But wooooo mama! I move
EVERY zig, know what I'm saying. So they what do they do?! They said "You
have not paid your incorrect bill for a month, your phone is being shut off,
and I'm like "WHAT YOU SAY!" and they are like "blah blah I have
no brain. So FINALLY they "say" they turn it back on, but a week
later its still off, and when I call they say it was on for a week, but I had
to re-program my phone to find the voice stream network, TOO BAD THEY NEVER
MENTIONED THAT. So I get to pay for a week I didn't use, and the whole time,
they have my $200 initial deposit!!!!! And won't give it back cause they say my
payment was late, even after they admit they stupid?! Mr. T don't play with
foolZ!

THE VERDICT: SHOOT, MAN, SHOOT!!

Beef Story #54:
Author: Lenny

Alright, I have a beef with the Humana insurance company. Apparently, they
didn't receive my proof of enrollment before december 2000. Thus they
discontinued my coverage. So all this timeI apparently have been walking around
uninsured.

that would've been really beefy if I was on my way to get another proof of
enrollment and got hit by the inner loop bus. ironic and beefy

THE VERDICT: (INSERT RANDOM ZEROWING QUOTE HERE)

Beef Story #53:
Author: Lenny

Yeah, so we went on the ski trip and it was mad fun, right? Except for the
ethnic wars and for the part where the green trail abruptly and stupendously
turned into a double black with moguls. Pretty beefy...

All in all a good trip. The crew should go next time with wifebeaters only...

THE VERDICT: WHAT YOU SAY!!

Beef Story #52:
Author: Lenny

Reubs and I have a beef with Rice faculty. It would appear that they think
it's good idea to pile everything on in three days (not even the entire
week!!!!)

THEY REALLY SET US UP THE BOMB THIS TIME.
WE WILL NOT SURVIVE MAKE OUR TIME

THE VERDICT: MOVE 'ME'

Beef Story #51:
Author: Captain
We all saw this one coming...it was bound to happen, but I had to do it
anyway

In A.D. 2101. War was beginning. Somebody set up us the bomb. We got signal.
Main screen turned on. It was Cats!! All our base are belong to them. We were
on the way to destruction. What he say!! We had no chance to survive made our
time. We took off every 'zig'. They knew what they doing. Moved 'zig'. For
great justice... pretty beefy.


THE VERDICT: CATS LOVE CRABBING.

Beef Story #50:
Author: Joyce Leepee

i think it's pretty beefy that i submitted a beef story in the beginning of
january about how i bought a can of libby's "sliced peaches" but upon
opening the can, found libby's "fruit cocktail" inside, and it still
hasn't been posted! something beefy is going on...


THE VERDICT: Oops...

Beef Story #49:
Author: Joyce Leepee

ARGH! this was beefy to me... - man, that was a stupid thing to say, since
I'm writing on none other than the Beef Files... oh well - anyways...

I went to Kroger on Thursday so I could go grocery shopping and buy whatever I
liked to eat. Among the things I like to eat are Waffle Crisp cereal, milk,
Sara Lee Honey Ham, Kraft american cheese, Lipton's noodles, green grapes,
bananas, Del Monte canned Corn, Rice Krispies Treats, carrots, Keebler's Club
Crackers, and lettuce. Oh yeah, and the subject of this beef story - Libby's
canned peaches. So like, I got a big can off the shelf cause I knew I would be
eating a lot and would not be content with one of those little measly can sizes
- so I bought it and took it home. I think it cost like $1.39 - which is the
cheapest can of canned peaches in heavy syrup that I saw on the shelf - that's
why I buy the Libby's brand. Anyways, yesterday, Saturday afternoon when I got
home, I was looking forward to opening that can and eating my peaches. So I got
home, got the can opener, and opened the can.
GRRRR!!!!!

Lo ANnnnD BEHOLD!!!... there were NO Canned Peach HAlves in HEAVY Syrup!! NO
THERE WERE NOT! I saw some grey-greenish colored grapes, one cherry thing,
DICED peaches, and DICED something or other - i think those are pears... so
like, I was mad! Pinmankin can testify. "What is this?!!?" I
exclaimed in a loud voice. "Nooo!!!" I struggled to keep myself under
control...

well, i was too lazy to go to kroger's and demand a refund or free can of
peaches, and like, yeah - i wanted to see if other people would buy those
peaches and suffer the same traumatic surprise as me and write about it on the
beeffiles... so i decided not to inform them that this certain shipment of
canned peach halves was really "fruit cocktail" Bah! I hate fruit
cocktail!
okay - that's all the beef for today.


THE VERDICT: MAY THE BEEF BE WITH YOU...

Beef Story #48:
Author: Joyce Leepee

i hate when bathrooms have no toilet paper in them. I just went to the
downstairs bathroom, sat down, peed and pooed and had my way, but as i turned
to the toilet paper holder attached to the wall, i was quite dismayed to see
only the the last 2 pieces of toilet paper still attached to the brown
cardboard roll. Like, it was a little raggedy and had random bits of strips
coming off of it since it was obviously leftover from someone's final attempt
at getting all the toilet paper in one final pull and tear. So I had to very
carefully think about how i wanted to utilize those last two pieces. Let's just
say I made the most of what I had, but I was not very happy, and I did not
leave that toilet feeling very clean at all. grrr... Whoever left the cardboard
roll with just 2 pieces left will be punished, Catherine Lee!!!!!
PS--I did not replace the toilet paper roll with a fresh new happy white
cylinder, so the next person who comes home is going to have beef with me!
hehe!! UH! I MEAN ALISA LEE!


THE VERDICT: OH MY GOODNESS...

Beef Story #47:
Author: anonyleepee

there's this choochoo who is in two of my classes who always starts walking
towards my desk whenever we have a quiz or test that day in that class. I'm not
sure why he does this - because i'm' always trying to study when I see him out
of the corner of my eye, eyeing my desk, and then he stands for a second, and
then begins to move...closer and closer....
And the other kinda disturbing thing is that I sit in the very last seat in my
row, which always happens to be on the very left side of the room, against a
chalkboard or an AC unit, so there's a bout a foot of space that he always
squeezes into, and crouches there with his nose an inch away from my desk.
and then he says "joyce."
and i say... (nod)
and then i'm trying to study, but he either says one of the following...

"i know i annoy you, but you're just so much fun to be around" or
"sometimes, when someone focuses too much on one thing, something else
gets jealous" or "there's nothing in your hair so stop touching it.
you look fine." To which I respond "(nod, tight-lipped smile)"
And then when i'm in the hallways, he'll be right behind me, and i won't know
it, but then i hear someone say "joyce joyce joyce" in kind of a
singsong, "you're being a naughty girl" kind of voice, and i'm like
PeeeeeeeGOooooooooooo!!!
And the weirdest thing is that he'll only try to talk to me and one of my
friends, and that's it. He says it's because we're the two most wonderful
people in our calculus class. PeeeeeeeGooooooooooo TOhhhhhhhh!!!


THE VERDICT: WHOA, CATHERINE HAS A SISTER??.....

Beef Story #46:
Author: another totally different random anonymous person

One day, I was sitting in Spanish class, playing tetris on gameboy, on my
way to setting a personal best of 187 lines, when I see a certain choochoo
getting up from his desk, making his way over to the 12 inch space that
separates my desk from the wall. He crouches and hovers over the ground, making
eye contact with my waist. Then he looks up, and then down. Then he says,
"You know, sometimes when someone focuses too much on one thing, another
thing gets jealous." And I kept on playing tetris, but I was like, and
then Edward Krasnov who was sitting behind me - bless his heart - shouted out
(he has a very booming voice) "WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT, CHOOCHOO?"
Then Choochoo looked at me and replied, "well, i guess i'm saying that I
wish i could talk to you more, but you're always playing tetris." So I
play for like five more minutes, but I feel bad because he's still in that tiny
space next to my desk, so i press "start" and pause the game, and
look down at him. And then he says that he'll be coming to my church that
weekend, and he asks if there will be korean food. So i say, i'm not sure
because the moms decide what we'll be eating, but it might be korean food. And
we talk about food for a little bit. And then he says, "Well, I got 3
minutes of your time today, and I'm not totally happy, but i'm almost happy.
Maybe I'll get 5 from you tomorrow." And I nod and have a tight-lipped
smile - because inside, i'm thinking that i'm confused and he gives me an
uncomfortable feeling and why does he like talking to me when i don't really
even respond....
one friend suggested that he liked the "challenge." Pretty gross,
chung..


THE VERDICT: THAT'S A LOT OF BEEF

Beef Story #45:
Author: Joyce

i have beef with my right ear, because it hurts. when i try to pick it.
Cause like you know how sometimes your hair will poke inside your ear, and it
feels like you have some earwax coming out - so i would rather have it come out
on my finger than come out and land on someone next to me in class, but when i
discreetly and gingerly put my finger to my ear, it hurts! I guess my index
finger is too big.


THE VERDICT: MY DOCTOR ALWAYS TOLD ME NOT TO STICK MY FINGER IN THE HOLES IN
MY HEAD

Beef Story #44:
Author: Reuben

I've got beef with my contact lenses and possibly my eye doctor because I
keep dropping the contacts down the drain and the doctor keeps giving me the
wrong prescription.


THE VERDICT: WHEN YOU HARNESS THE POWER OF THE DARKSIDE, YOU DON'T NEED NO
STINKIN' CONTACT LENSES.

Beef Story #43:
Author: Eric (again)

So I've got some beef...with my phone. Yesterday I was in the library at
night and I saw all these aZn ThUgZ chillin at the tables and stuff...so I was
like, gotta impress 'em! I whipped out my cool asian fixed-up cell phone
(complete with dysfunctional light-up antenna) and proceeded to call my
voicemail...then...

EEEAAAAH EEEEAAAH. The call failed and made that horrible noise...

I was like...it's all good, I'll just act really mad like a tRu tHuG would...so
I was all muttering under my breath, acting all tough...then I redailed...

EEEAAAAH EEEEAAAH!! Arrrgh!

I ran away. Shameful.


THE VERDICT: MAN, PLEEEEAAAAAZZZEE.

Beef Story #42:
Author: Lenny (again)

I have a beef with the drivers on Main to and from Sugar Land.
Can anyone tell me why they always have to:
1)drive slow on both lanes at the same pace as the car next to them.
2)not use turn signals while driving really slow
3)biggest beef: automatically going to the open lane even though they're not
going any faster than the car in front of it. I mean, the open lane is for
those who have some place to go... (me) and I'd like to use it rather than have
it laugh at me while i'm stuck behind some fat black guy who speeds up just
enough to not let me in the open lane and decides to slow down as soon as he's
pssed me. that's sooooooooo retarded...
I think i'm going to get one of those snow plow blades and put it on the x5.
man... that'll give me more open space than a high school parking lot on a
weekend.
lenny
p.s.--oh yeah, i have a beef with Dr. Tour also... spiritually i have no beef
with him. In orgo, that's different. Stampede of beef on him for being
determined to fail 5% of the class.


THE VERDICT: WHAT'S THIS PAGE ABOUT AGAIN?

Beef Story #41:
Author: Evelyn Joy Patterson

I don't know whose name that is, but it popped up in the text box when I
typed the letter "E." Anyway, I just wanna say I've got some beef. So
these girls call me up and ask me to eat dinner with them at a certain
establishment we'll call "Apu's." I was like, well...I wanna lose
some weight to look more like Reubs, so I'll pass. Then my friend told me to go
to my car, so I was like, since I'm here, I'll go ahead and call the girls and
tell them I'll go. Guess what? They "mysteriously" stop picking up
their CELL PHONE...presumably because they're having too much fun at
"Apu's" to care about Eric's feelings. Oh well.


THE VERDICT: yO dAwG, tHaT bE BeEFy

Vintage Beef: It's an acquired taste (Story #3-40)

Beef Story #40:
Author: Kong

ok.. so there this person that i talk to on IM sometimes.. well, i
remember talking to this person.. we'll call him/her apu.. so, i'm talking to
apu and of course the conversation doesn't have much substance in the first
place.. when it does get kinda interesting, i ask apu a question.. i get no
response for the longest time, and then, "shut".. apu leaves without answering
the questions or giving warning before getting offline.. what's up with that?


THE VERDICT: WELCOME TO THE CLUB

Beef Story #39:
Author: David Kong

ok, i took this class last year.. it was an econ class, so reubs will
understand the suckiness of that subject.. anyway, i thought i was doing well..
it was actually pretty easy, so i never showed up for class, especially at the
end of the semester.. for some reason tho, my grade for that class was much
lower than i expected.. i'm pretty sure there was a mistake on the final, but i
can't check it cuz when i went to the profs room, a tab under his name says "ON
LEAVE" so, i talk to the econ secretaries and they tell me to email the prof..
i email him but never get a response back.. so now i have to wait till next
semester to check on my grade.. he should've responded to my email.. what's he
doing? econ at home? i think not.. also, his pinky is permanantly locked in a
double jointed position.. so weird.


THE VERDICT: ECON--BEEF IS THY NAME

Beef Story #38:
Author: LeePee

At school, there are four different hot lunch tray lines. Usually I go into the "country cafe," but on pep rally days, I opt for a salad since the lines are so busy and long, and go into the Mexican Pizza line. The beefy part of it is that a normal lunch costs $1.45 but there is the lady in the Mexican Pizza line who charges $.10 extra for everything. Like I bought chocolate milk there once, and I had a quarter ready to give to her, but she shook her head and let my quarter drop to the floor as i attempted to transact with her, and said very tartly, "thirty-five CentS." And i was like grrr...and so i went to another line and got milk for $.25. Anyways, I think lunch lady cashiers shouldn't change prices like that without informing people. She's a meanie.

Oh yeah. And if you buy a salad with milk, it costs $1.45 or $1.55 depending on which cashier. But if you buy it without milk it costs $2.00. I thought that was very backwards but oh well.


THE VERDICT: I AM THE LORD OF THE RINGS BUNCH OF CROCK

Beef Story #37:
Author: hmph

Hmph. I'll try to make this beef as short as possible.

So my friend likes or "used to like" (but we all know still likes) two guys who are exactly the same except their names are different. Let's call them "Boob" and "Baboo." She wants to ask Boob to this formal that is coming up. She has been agonizing for many weeks about this and how to ask him, and if he really does like her, and has been talking to Baboo on IM about Boob and asking Baboo's opinion and advice on stuff.

Then today, she tells me that Baboo was telling her last night that she should be careful and that "bad things" could happen so she should watch out, and somehow, they figured that Baboo should come to the formal to watch out for her and be her quote unquote "bodyguard." And supposedly, she would talk to me about inviting him as my date because I'm friends with Baboo already, and "would probably ask him" to this formal anyway. (The girls have to ask the guys.)

And so in response to my friend, I was like, "haha, whatever, you just want me to ask him so that you can have two guys that you like at this dance at the same time." So she says, "noooooo, i was just suggesting somebody since you don't know who you're going to ask, and you're already friends with him, and he just wants to be there to kinda watch out for me too."

Do you see the beef?

So the main reason Baboo would be going is to watch out for my friend, not because I asked him to go with me, and the way my friend kinda assumed that I would just ask him because she wanted me to - so that she could have both Boob and Baboo there at the same time. Grr. And to put me in a position where I know I'm going to disappoint her is pretty beefy, because Baboo was originally a contender for yours truly's date, but after she told me of this little clever plan, I would just feel stupid asking Baboo, because it's only for her that I would be asking him, and he would only be going for her "safety" or something silly like that. And unless I want to make this "the night of her life," which I'm not so inclined to do, I'm going to stay beefed and ask somebody else to be my date.

I am still beefed, but not too much because I know I shouldn't really be that beefed with her. Ho hum.


THE VERDICT: WHAT CAN IT MEAN?????

Beef Story #36:
Author: The busdriver

Yeah, well I was making a routine bus stop at the Hsia house to pick up James Hsia and take him to Puzzlefighter school.
He gets on the bus, and everything's well and good. I'm driving along minding my own business, and -all of a sudden- the crazy cajun comes out of nowhere like a rock falling from the sky and kicks me in the head!!!
I mean, I'm just here doing my job, and this insolent little punk catches me off and jacks the bus!!! That's a bunch of crock! I bet little James Hsia thinks he's ready to take on Master of the Universe just cuz he jacked the bus from The Busdriver.
It's my fault for not being "aware of the situation". Frankly, I'm disappointed in myself for getting taken by surprise like that. Pretty embarassing...
I need to get back into busdriving shape... cuz this is happening way to much. i mean, this happened twice last week two. First by some loud colorblind gook and then some crazy pinoy with pecs of steel. I think the pinoy's name was Boobs or something like that.
Well anyways, this is a notice. The busdriver will be back from Busdriver Inservice (occurring this next week). When he does, you kids better have the bus all nice and detailed cuz he's gonna take the bus back... ALL PICKUPS WILL GO WITHOUT INCIDENT FROM NOW ON.

THE BUSDRIVER (of puzzle fighter)


THE VERDICT: WHAT??? YOU CALL YOURSELF A BUSDRIVER? LOOK AT YOUR PASSENGERS, NOT THE ROAD.

Beef Story #35:
Author: Lenny

My beefy story actually happened a long time ago.
The reason why it took so long to put up is because I'm too busy waging war with her.
Anyways, I just finished making my special roast beef sub in the make-your-own-sub line at Subway and proceeded to the cashier. The lady rings it up and say ,"$5.07" I give her a twenty and say, "hold on. I got some change"
She's like, "no. it's alright" and rejects my change!!!!!!! So instead of getting a buck back and getting rid of some of the overflow of change i got, I'm stuck with an extra 97 cents jingling in my pocket! that's hyper beef. To add insult to injury, she doesn't give me any quarters but dimes and nickels! THAT'S LIKE INSULTING MY MOTHER LEVEL OF BEEF.
I tried to tell her that all i needed was a dollar, and she gives me this "I'm too dang lazy to put back all the change i meticulously counted up" and say, "no."
Thus, subway war 1 started. I will win the war.
How? By paying for my next combo meal in nickels, dimes, and pennies... just the way squirrel lady likes it. Bet she'll like that.



THE VERDICT: BEEF DOESN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE THE MAGNITUDE OF BEEF EMANATING FROM LOUISIANA.

Beef Story #34:
Author: Eric Lindsay

I'd like to take a little time here to expound upon the virtues of our fine Rice University Center for the study of Languages. Those ingenious COMP majors, working with the LRC people, have created for our enjoyment a FINE, FINE Kanji testing system called "extemplate." Although the programming is undoubtably sound, and the interface looks pretty good, I have some major beef with the fact that nothing in this program works. I might point out that in my short 30 minutes of use, I managed to see the scores and ID numbers for:
1)myself (8/9--89%)
2)Emi Nomura (7/9--78%) ID number ??????
3)Carol Chen (not yet submitted) ID number 615???
4)Amy Furgeson (not yet submitted) ID number 713723

Wow! I must say, this program rocks the house! It's off da hook!


THE VERDICT:

Beef Story #33:
Author: Eric Lindsay

First of all, I'd like to point out the power we, the beef council, wield over the unsuspecting automotive populous. Here is a quote from Edmunds.com:
"Oh well, that's a shame because we really had a BEEF with the way the gearbox worked "
Wow! No joke! They've got beef with Audi!
Anyway, here's my beefy story...or rather, my beef question. What's up with people's calling me weird names this year? Has my name gotten more difficult to decipher as I have aged or something? Oh well, later guys,

Duncan.


THE VERDICT: WEAR A NAME TAG, DUNCAN.

Beef Story #32:
Author: Lenny

I got this beef with Sean... again.
He knows who my screw date is and won't tell me.
Man... that's like telling a guy stricken with some massively infectious disease that you have the cure, but you won't let him have it cuz he has to figure it out himself. That's just plain wrong.
I want to know NOW. : (


THE VERDICT: IT'S A SAD DAY IN BEEF TOWN.

Beef Story #31:
Author: Reuben

So I'm living in Houston just minding my own business, when this mosquito lands on my arm and starts sucking my blood. Not only that, but he leaves his saliva in my skin and it forms a bump on my arm that really itches. Then he tells all of his friends to come and bite me. It seems like the mosquitoes love harassing me. Why do they like the taste of filipino flesh? Stupid bugs.


THE VERDICT: DIE INSECTS!!!!!! DIE!!!!! MUHAHAHAAHAAAA!!!!

Beef Story #30:
Author: Lenny Chow

I got another beef for you. It's such big beef it can only come from texas... in the form of a very large cow. Anyways, it started out as a regular sized beef, but it got slipped some bovine growth hormone over the next couple of days and turned into titano-beef... here goes:

yeah, so this week was crap week, right? Problem sets due left and right, csa study break to prepare for (minor beef: where were you at the study break sean?), and of course the toppers, the orgo and bio test. I mean, I'm happy about the way the week went (got baptized!!! [no beef with Jesus], did well on orgo, we'll see on bio but it's droppable). On monday, I'm walking downstairs with Mr. Nopachai to get some dinner before the big orgo review on monday. We go downstairs and there's a line into the kitchen (not even counting the long line INSIDE the kitchen) that's longer than the Saturday lines at a certain buffet restaurant... So we bail and run to Baker to get some quickie food to save time. Lo and behold! no line! However, as cesar and nopie went through quite smoothly, the lady slides my card and goes, "whoa.... hold up on in thea." I'm thinking, "yo... i'm in a hurry yo." she's says, "you ain't got no meal plan." Man.. I was planning on saying, "I call b/s!!!
!" and punch her in the arm cuz i've been getting food all the time since the beginning of the year (wait,i never swiped my card before. mmmmmmm...) she was nice though and let me go without charging me. At sid, the same thing happened, she's like, "get that thing fixed, yo!" I'm like, "fo sho. one love." and she let me go eat without charging me. Then the morning of see you at the sallyport comes, and I'm wanting some breakfast. I go down, and it's the hispanic lady that charged me 7 bucks for like the same thing the guy in front of me got for 2.50 (on five separate occasions). She's like, "oh yeah, it works and proceeds to deduct 8.50 off of my roll over from last year!!!" So i'm pretty beefed about this already, and it happens again at dinner. I can't argue cuz i have orgo that night... but that turned into oversized beef.

So when did this turn into titano-beef? It turned titano sized today. I go to the cashier's office saying, "wsup yo, that meal card ain't workin, knowhatimsayin?" cashier's office retorts, "man... you're a little crispy, but you ain't got no meal plan. Plus, you ain't on campus yo." I tell them that the last time i remember, i be livin up in sid. they don't know what i'm talking about.

So basically, i technically don't have a place to live and i don't have money to eat. Now that's titano beef. F&H better be getting up some major compensation...


THE VERDICT: IT'S TIME TO TRANSFER TO MARTEL

Beef Story #29:
Author: Lenny Chow

It's a kind of short beef story because i don't have that much time. I promise to write a bigger and better beef story later (cuz i havea really good one). Anyways, what kind of people put the orgo test and the bio test in the same week?!? I mean, that's just retarded!!! I also got beefs with the people at the job fair. How come only the c/s people get to have cool junk (laser pointers!)and T-shirts? I pretended I was a c/s major to get the goods, but I felt cheap and dirty for doing that.
Oh yeah, what's up with Eric and Sean going "swimming" everyday we have stat 280? HUH?!? Ok, I understand if Eric wants to go swimming but SEAN? First time sean went "swimming" he got really upset and kept calling her "hao cho". If she's hao cho... then why does he keep coming back to "swim". that's my take.


THE VERDICT: HAO CHOU...HAO CHOU.....

Beef Story #28:
Author: Hardcore

So I come back to school for the fall semester of 2000.
It turns out that the school decided to move the commuter
lot to the back and put a random visitor lot before it.
Now i got beef with all visitors.. and faculty too..


THE VERDICT: PARKING AT RICE SURE SUCKS...

Beef Story #27:
Author: Catherine "I love crabbing" Lee

One time I was walking from the stadium lot to the gym to work out. As I was getting ready to cross the inner loop in front of Shepherd School, a shuttle bus pulled to a stop before me and the doors opened. The driver insisted that I get in, even though I was only going to be walking another 10 feet to the gym. I kindly turned down his offer, and walked in front of the bus to get to the other side. I contined my slow and steady walking pace, when to my surprise, the shuttle bus began to follow me, at the same leisurely speed I was walking, backing up traffic behind him. The driver leaned his head out the window and asked me to work out with him at 6 pm. I told him I had to go to church at 6. I went inside the gym to work out. When I came out, there he was. He had decided to "meet" me in front of the gym at 6:05 to go to church with me. I didn't even invite him!!!


THE VERDICT: MMMMMMMM....

Beef Story #25 & 26:
Author: Reuben

Here's a two-in-one story (although they are in no way related).
First of all, this one isn't a beef story. This is a vomit story. We're drinking smoothies in the Q when Sean hears "Bleeeehhcchhh!!!"
I look over and see this guy with blue shorts hunched over looking at the ground.
Looking at his own vomit. So I say what any other humane person would say: "Are you alright?" He sez: "Yeah, I'm ..... BLLLEEEEEECCCCCHHHHHH!!!!!"
The vomitter will now from this day forth be forever known as TGWTU (the guy who throws up).
By now the smoothie TGWTU ordered is finished and Jerome (who works with me at smoothie king) sez: "Here's your smoothie....ewwww."
Then one of the other smoothie king employees (who incidentally, looks like Olen Rambow)
has to clean up the vomit because Jerome wanted to go try out for Pearl Harbor (even though he left after the vomit was all cleaned up, but that's another story). The vomit was on the floor, on the table, on the chairs, oops, maybe I shouldn't mention that. Then I go to make another smoothie and I turn around and see TGWTU with his hands lifted up saying "can I wash my hands?"
Me: "yes....over there."
then his girlfriend came and he acted like he never threw up and he left. Then he came back because he forgot his watch or something and we all carefully watched him to make sure he didn't spew again. TGWTU seems like a pretty cool guy. Too bad about the circumstances the surrounded our first impression of him.

This next story happened at Rice. We were doing fly's with the machine with weights on both sides. I finished one set and then it was Sean's turn but then this weird guy steps in and takes one side of the machine and does tricep exercises. And then we're like: "I guess we're done with flys now."
"This is definitely going in the beef files."


THE VERDICT: HOWDY!!!! WELL PAINT ME RED AND SLAP ME SILLY IF THAT AIN'T THE BEEFIEST
BEEF IN THE WHOLE DURN STATE O' TEXAS. Y'ALL COME BACK NOW, YA HEAR???? YEEEEEHAWWW!!!!!
I LOOOVVEEE BEIN' A TEXAN!!!!

Beef Story #24:
Author: Obi Wan Kenobi

So there we were, trying to rescue some teenage princess who evidently fell in love with a seven year-old boy with jedi powers when this dumb looking jive-talking alien named jar-jar
comes along and totally ruins the whole movie.


THE VERDICT: JAR JAR MUST DIE IN EPISODE 2.

Beef Story #23:
Author: Joyce Lee

Sean S. Kim - he killed Mr. BIG BEAR at the Lee Family Backyard next to the swimming pool. Mr. BIG BEAR was our family BEAR although he is really nonexistent. But since Sean claims he killed a bear in our backyard, I will claim that we had a bear named Mr. BIG BEAR. GRRRR! Mr. BIG BEAR was our family pet. How would you feel if Sean went over and killed your family pet?!

This is a picture of him after he defeated Mr. BIG BEAR. He looks very savage. Maybe he needs to be locked up.
(picture was removed because it was too graphic.. one or more nipple hairs could be clearly seen)
Pretty gross!


THE VERDICT: I'M NOT SEAN, I'M SHAWN, SEAN'S EVIL TWIN!!!!!! MUHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!

Beef Story #22:
Author: Becky Seo

i am a "regular" at the
ssolbbs, and this weirdo named meooooow cat says weird things!! well... it's not just that.. but i have beef with him.

sorry~ i'm just a random person.


THE VERDICT: THE TRUTH IS....I AM MEOOOOOW CAT. IT WAS ME ALL ALONG...MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!! HEAR ME ROAR....meowww...just kidding...PRETTY BEEFY

Beef Story #21:
Author: Jonathan Krause

One time I was waiting tables at SAKE LOUNGE. When this old couple walks in. I take their order, but when the guy wanted chuka salad. I had to tell him we were out of it for the day. At this point he threw the menu at me. THAT was some major beef there. He ordered some soup, which I brought out like 5 minutes later, and when I had it he said "Is it just me, or is the service a little slow tonight?" THAT SOUP CAME OUT FAASST I tell you. Then he complained it was too salty, and he didn't want to pay for it. He was asking for the manager every 5 minutes. I wanted to pour the soup on him. When he left, the pen I gave him so sign the bill with , APARENTLY didn't work. O well... He later wrote in a letter of complaint, he tried to be funny in it, o well. MAJOR BEEF!


THE VERDICT: That's not just beef,
it's a whole cow! You should've 'chunged' that guy on the head with the head
of a bull before he escaped.

Beef Story #20:
Author: Casey

Waaaaay back, my friends and i wanted to toilet paper someone's house one day. I had some 2 week expired eggs also... WE didn't know which house exactly the "victim" lived in, but as we were crossing the street to some houses, some cops drove by us and we jumped into our cars. The cops stopped us and asked us what we were doing. We tried to think up a story real quick thinking he didn't see all the t.p. in our hands, but before anyone could say something, the cop goes, "you have a little peice of evidence hanging out." I had closed the door on some toilet paper and had given us away. Oooops.


THE VERDICT: PHEW!!! I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO'S HAD A RUN-IN WITH THE LAW

Beef Story #19:
Author: Casey

Last friday I drove my car to Baytown and it was late when we got there, so i crashed there and left Saturday morning.

I returned home Saturday and opened up the compartment (drink cubby hole)in my car to get my camera... only to discover my camera was gone! Some punk broke into my car and took my camera during the night. It was a cheap, ghetto camera but it had a new roll of film with some good pictures on it. :( The house owner lives in a nice neighboorhood but you can't trust the neighbors. I have beef with all of them until i find out who took it. I have to go camera shopping now...bah!


THE VERDICT: PHEW!!! GOOD THING I LIVE IN LOUISIANA...WHERE NO CRIME EVER OCCURS

Beef Story #18:
Author: Joyce Lee

I do not know why the BEEF HAS BEEN ATTACKING ME LATELY! GrrrR!

Today, me and Sam went to AMC30 to watch "X-Men" which was AWESOME by the way. Yes, we caught the last show on opening night, waited two hours in line, finally got the show started at 12:45 AM. Everything was going just fine... just right... that is, until the movie was over, and Joyce got up to leave. Then, she felt like she was stuck to something, and with a little effort, managed to get to her feet, but not before realizing something was stuck to her butt. HER BUTT. Plain gross. She felt her butt, and realized that she sat in some gum. Yes, old, dried gum is a little better than fresh juicy new gum, but it still makes situations sticky and gross. So Joyce was not happy because she was wearing nice clothes since she had just gotten back from a concert before she and Sam left to go watch the movie. She was very unhappy. She has beef with that seat. It is in theatre #16, 3 rows from the middle thing that separates the lower seats from the upper seats, and about 15 seats down. !
You will see some greenish-blueish gum in the seat. Don't sit there. Unless you want to have a beef attack to write about. =( GRRR!


THE VERDICT: WAIT, SO WHO'S TELLING THIS STORY, SAM OR JOYCE?

Beef Story #17:
Author: Joyce Lee

Yeah, so once upon a time, I go on a mission trip to mexico - this was in the summer of '98. We're in Oaxaca, Mexico, and it's almost the last day of the trip. There are about 12-15 people riding in the bed of a pick-up truck coming back from the beach, and the people included in this truck are me, Jimmy Wu (one of the most awesome people ever to have lived), Sean Lindsay (oops, I mean Kim), and Angel I don't know his last name.

Well, I forgot really what was going on before this, but suddenly, Sean gets up and smacks Angel "whap!" on the butt (Angel was one of the people standing up). Angel turns around, and is really surprised, and then Sean points and says "Gozo (Joyce) Gozo!" and I'm like "QUE?! QUE EN EL MUNDO?!" (not exact words) and Angel kinda laughs it off, and is like, uhh okay, and I'm like NOOO!! SEan!!! and then Angel is thinking whatever, so he turns back around. THen Jimmy Wu, who was laughing at seeing all this, gives Angel another realll spanker! Angel whips around again, and this time, he really thinks something's up. Jimmy imitates Sean, pointing at me and saying - "Gozo Gozo!" I'm pretty much fuming and I think Angel's butt is stinging, so he moves to the edge of the truck where he can sit down. Meanwhile, Sean replaces Angel and is standing up, so I take my chances and hit Sean in the butt! Then I'm like "Jimmy did it!" and Jimmy starts laughing and says "Haha, no, Joyce, haha!" a!
nd SEan laughs at me and says "Yeah, good one Joyce!" and Angel is looking at me funny. That is where the original beef with Azn-Sen-Five-A-Tion came from.

WARNING: The above story was intended for mature audiences only. If you accidentally read the story above and you are not old enough, I apologize for the pyschological trauma that you're sure to be feeling right now. My bad.


THE VERDICT: I DENY ALL ACCUSATIONS THAT I TOUCHED ANOTHER MALE'S BUTTOCKS

Beef Story #16:
Author: Joyce Lee

Hey, so once upon a time - more like today, I had to go give Sam a ride home from work. So, Sam was driving back home, and we were on Gessner, going under the I-10 underpass, when I looked to the left, and there was a red '93 Honda Accord with the passenger side window open. Then, SUDDENLY, this guy spit on our car. I was like "WHAtaTAT the..?!?!!" and Sam was like, "what happened?" so I told him that the guy next door spit out some YELLOW CHUNKS and it almost landed on our car!!

When we got home, we checked for yellow chunks, but luckily, the guy missed. But it was some heavy beef knowing that he was trying to spit on OUR CAR! I thought that was very rude. >(


THE VERDICT: I ALSO DENY ALL ACCUSATIONS THAT I TOUCHED ANOTHER MALE'S BUTTOCKS

Beef Story #15:
Author: Reuben

Okay, for your amusement I've dug deep into my own personal beef file and
found some from way back when

It was my junior year at WCS. Nelson (A junior from Clements High School at the time), my brother Joel, and I didn't have anything to do so naturally we decided to go stalk someone from Clements. This was around graduation time so the Clements seniors
were having their pro-grad or whatever where the seniors spend the night at school (we never had one of those...stupid westbury) Anyway...I don't think they would have actually let us
into the building so instead we drove around the parking lot looking for Nelson's friend's
car. We did this for about 10 minutes until the "police officer" pulled us over. Then we got nervous. "Joel!!! Put away that water gun!!!" I screamed. To make a long story short, we're lucky to be alive, since the cop thought we were reaching for our "gats" and were about to "bust a cap." He ended up searching the car and searching us. We never went back to Clements ever again. Except for Nelson, since he went to school there.


THE VERDICT: ...

Beef Story #14:
Author: Reuben

Here's another one from back in the day...

An escapade during my sohpomore year in high school...My friend Ryan, Joel, and I started getting into the game of golf but were
too poor to afford clubs, golf balls, club fees, etc., so to practice our driving
we would go to the driving range in the middle of the night and pick up "stray" golf balls
that were lying around. On a good night, we would have at least four buckets full of golf
balls that we would use the next day. We rationalized our actions by saying that we were
merely "borrowing" the balls since we would hit them back anyway (okay, I know it's wrong now, I learned my lesson, just keep reading...). One night, there were four of us: Ryan, Jerome, Joel, and Me. It was supposed to be another routine pickup, but something went horribly wrong.
As we were returning to load the buckets of golfballs into my parents' van, a police car drove by and we all ducked behind a hill. The cop slowed down and investigated my car (since it was illegally parked) and we decided to run away. We devised a plan. Jerome and Joel would wait with the golf balls at a secure location while Ryan and I would get the car and then pick them up. After much sneaking around, we got to the car and thankfully found no tickets
on it. We drove to the secure location to make the pick-up but then we saw the lights of a car driving towards us. In the next few frantic minutes, we hastily loaded the golf balls into the
van but then ... THUDD.... golf balls all over the street. We decided to abort the rest of the mission and cut our losses and we drove back to Ryan's place. There we made a secret blood pact that we could never tell anyone what happened on that night....oops.


THE VERDICT: NO COMMENT

Beef Story #13:
Author: James Hsia

I went over to my cousins' house a little while ago around dinnertime, but I
had already eaten. Anyway, they are going out to eat at this restaurant I had
just gone to 6 days ago, so I'm thinking, "I'll just stay here and play N64
or something". But no, they insist, so I go. It turns out that they're
meeting some relatives from the side I'm not on (their mother's side) whom
I've never seen before in my life. So all during dinner, I don't eat much
because I already ate, and I don't know most of the people, so I just sit
there quietly watching them talk and eat for an hour.

THE VERDICT: EHHH, ALRIGHT WE'LL ACCEPT YOUR STORY THIS TIME BUT NEXT TIME IT HAS TO BE EVEN BEEFIER

Beef Story #12:
Author: Eric

So I'm going to the national JACL convention...my aunt tells me I get to be the youth representative for the Mountain Plains district. Sounds good to me...right? So then, AFTER I'm already on the plane and can't escape, the same aunt informs me that actually when she told me that she ruined the lifelong dream of some girl in Colorado who wanted to be the rep. THEN she tells me that, not only did I forcibly (and unknowingly) take her spot, this girl will actually BE AT the convention. So I arrive and finally meet this girl, whose first words to me are "Hi. You took my spot. Thaaaaanks."
So then it is decided that we are going to be CO-YOUTH REPS together. This means I'm sitting next to this girl the whole time!!! And not only were we co-reps at the convention, we're now co-reps for the next 2 years! I guess we're pretty cool with each other now...but sheesh...couldn't someone have told me or something?

THE VERDICT: SO, IS THE GIRL PRETTY CUTE OR WHAT?

Beef Story #11:
Author: Reuben

Sean and I had just finished working out at the Q and decided to sit in the sauna for a while
when this guy starts telling us about Bible stuff. Ok, I thought, cool, he must be a Christian. Then he started saying weird stuff like Jesus isn't God so we started to tell him he was a bunch of crock when he had to leave. It was at that point where Sean and I simultaneously exclaimed: "WHAT???"

THE VERDICT: PRETTY BLASPHEMOUS

Beef Story #10:
Author: Sean Kim

ok so i go into smoothie king with reub, and this weird european guy is talking to the big, buff smoothie king employee, showing him pictures of Jesus and funky angels. so i look on this name tag and he's from the Unification church! you know, the cult where that crazy gook thinks he's God. crazy gooks! pretty beefy with gooks now. he probably stole reub's spoiler. mmmmm.... might have to boycott kimchi....

THE VERDICT: PRETTY RACIST, SEAN

Beef Story #9:
Author: Sean Kim

ok. i'm standing in sammy's waiting for reub to come. then i see this weird
guy whom i kinda knew last year. so i acknowledge his
presence by raising my head, which is apparently a really cool way to say hi
these days. i do it about 4 times and he completely ignores me all four
times.

THE VERDICT: MMMMMM...PRETTY BEEFY!!!

Beef Story #8:
Author: Sean Kim

ok so i go on this ski trip and sit next to this girl. after not talking much to her AT ALL afterwards, i find out three months later that we've been going out for three months! good thing i had this thing for another girl, cause that's why she wanted to break up with me. pretty funny since i didn't think you could break up with someone you never went out with. pretty beefy...... niu rou.

THE VERDICT: WOW, I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT MUCH BEEF IN ONE PLACE IN MY LIFE SINCE THE GREAT BEEF EXPLOSION OF '99.

Beef Story #7:
Author: Sean Kim

ok so i go into the brown elevator. i need to get to the fourth floor but i got a ball of gas waiting to eurupt in my pants. so i know i can hold it, but then this dude says "hold the elevator!" so now i need to wait for the door to close again. mmmm... i showed him. left a fart nice and silent but deadly in smell. upon reaching the fourth floor it hadn't smelled yet, but i know he felt the effects of my wrath. i still got beef with him, and he sure does have beef with me..... pretty..... STINKY!

THE VERDICT: HMMM, COULD THIS BEEF STORY BE RELATED TO BEEF STORY #3?

Beef Story #6:
Author: Reuben

One day while working at Smoothie King(tm), I was blasting FinKL music and making
a smoothie for a customer so my back was turned...then all of a sudden the music volume
goes down and I turn around and see one of the Q managers sneaking away from
the CD player. Then I was like, "YOU'D BETTER RUN, PUNK!"

THE VERDICT: YO DAWG, THAT'S BEEFY

Beef Story #5:
Author: Eric Lindsay

I was enjoying the solitude of one of the Mudd computer labs...listening
to and watching videos of car races. I normally can't do that in the labs
cuz there are too many innocent bystanders who don't want to listen
along. So, there I go, I've got "The Touch" playing and a big Supra
burnout on the screen, and in walks this Asian girl. She gives me a dirty
look and sits down. So I have to shut it all down and pretend to be
updating my web page quietly. Unfortunately, this girl called in her
teacher or something and she also came in the lab and started playing
around...the two of them were having a grand ole time laughing at my
inability to watch mpegs. They finally left like 45 minutes later, so here
I am...oh well

THE VERDICT: WHOA MAMA THAT'S BEEFY

Beef Story #4:
Author: Hakeem Olajuwon

For the last time, leave my family alone.

THE VERDICT: BEEFY

Beef Story #3:
Author: Anonymous
MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY

One time I was in the elevator when this guy came
in and farted. I knew I didn't fart, but he must
have not known he farted because he
gave me this weird look like I was the one who farted or something...

THE VERDICT: PRETTY BEEFY

Beef Story #2

Author: Dulles Thug

MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY



Some guy keeps hanging around my driveway and looking at my car. I think he's jealous of the new spoiler on my car.

THE VERDICT: EH, PRETTY BEEFY

Beef Story #1

Author: Anonymous Brown Resident

One day I made my usual trip to the community refrigerator to pick up some ice cream when to my surprise I found a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream with dirt, expired milk, and ants in it!!! I ate it anyway, just to spite the owner...but the NERVE of that guy! Sheesh!


THE VERDICT: PRETTY BEEFIFIED