Beef Story #143: Air Beef and Beef

Author: Roob

We wanted to try this new-fangled service called airbnb (not sure how you pronounce all those letters together) and the cool thing was we found a room in central London for much cheaper than any hotels in the area. Well, actually it wasn't a room per say, just someone's living room sofa-bed. Everything went well at first and the owner seemed really nice and told us we could come and go as we pleased, and use the living room to rest up if we were jet-lagged. We went out for breakfast at 7am and walked around then decided to go back to the room and take a quick nap before a busy day of shopping and sightseeing in London. When we got back to the apartment though, the owner was in the living room, had folded up the sofa bed, and was ironing and basically took over our space while we were gone. We asked if we could take a quick nap but she told us to get out because she needed the room. Not wanting to make a scene, we quietly left and slept at a McDonald's.

VERDICT: DON'T TRUST ANYTHING ON THE INTERNET

Beef story #142 time is money

author: timp
customer comes in and with a very accusatory tone tells me he came last night a little after 6 and asked why we were closed when the sign with hours posted clearly notes 6:30 as the closing time. i was a bit confused because i closed with my dad right at 6:30, so i asked him if he was sure of the time and he said yeah absolutely sure door was locked blinds closed and lights out. eventually he just left thinking i was a liar. just to make sure i wasnt going crazy i checked the credit card batch and it said 6:28pm.

Verdict: it's dec21! change your clock for daylight savings time already mister!

Beef Story #141: Beefy Refills

Author: generic

So I found this pretty sweet "titanium tactical pen" on the 'bay. It was displayed in all the pictures as very high quality and in addition to writing which all pens should really accomplish fairly well, it had pictures of some dude using the back of the pen to bust through a car's glass window. Handy!

I bid for it and won, and soon it was in my possession. Now, the seller had been quite clear that it would ship with NO refill in it, but included a handy link to the correct fitting refill from Parker. So I clicked on that link and found that I could choose from all kinds of fancy Java menus to peruse any of about 15 different types of pen refills in all kinds of sizes and stuff. I ordered some standard rollerball refills (which fortunately do fit in another pen I own). Needless to say, when the refill arrived I slipped it in my awesome titanium pen and it rattled around and back and forth like dice in the Yahtzee cup. So I went back and messaged the seller to explain that I was having trouble finding the right refill and he of course responded very promptly with another link to multiple items in the Parker pen line. Finally I bought a couple more and by process of elimination I finally have a pen that not only breaks windows, but writes on paper. Also I have plenty of refills for other pens lying around...thanks Chinese Titanium Tactical Ebay Vendor Man!

VERDICT: ON A SCALE FROM 1 TO 57 WHERE 1 IS BEEFY, 57 IS PRETTY BEEFY, AND 23 IS VERY BEEFY, THIS RATES AS A 34.

Beef Story #140: Tiger Airways tried to ruin my Wedding

Author: Roob

Long story short: We were getting married in Cebu on May 14, 2012 and we bought our ticket months in advance.  On they day of our flight from Singapore Tiger Airways canceled the flight and didn't give us any warning.  They didn't help us schedule a new flight and they certainly didn't seem to care that we were going to miss our wedding.  We ended up buying a flight on Cebu Pacific instead.  Tiger did give us a refund for the flight they canceled but they refuse to compensate us SGD$620 for the two last-minute tickets we had to buy.
Here's my complaint on the website started by the guy whose guitar got broken by United Airlines.  If anyone can help us, it's him.

http://gripevine.com/gripe/20752747/tiger-airways-cancels-flights-and-makes-people-almost-miss-their-own-wedding

VERDICT: SOMETIMES I CAN'T SLEEP AT NIGHT THINKING ABOUT ALL THE INJUSTICE IN THE WORLD

Beef Story #139 : Inefficient SingPost

Author: anon

http://wherexwerexwe.blogspot.com/2012/04/inefficient-singpost.html

VERDICT: TOO LAZY... TO CLICK... OR CHANGE PICTURE

Beef Story 138: Drummer

Author: anon

To the drummer practicing right now in Sengkang.  SHUT UP.  Everyone can hear that you suck.

VERDICT: YEAH, SHUT IT A-HOLE

Beef Story #137: Dude where's my post?

Author: reub

So I wrote this awesome post on blogger that was gonna melt faces and saved it as a draft.  I opened the post again through an ipod safari browser but everything I typed was gone.  Then I went back to look for it using a normal PC and my post was totally gone!  I thought blogger would have a revision system the way google docs and google sites keeps revisions, you know since they're all owned by GOOGLE, but nope.  It's gone forever.  Thanks a lot GOOGLE and BLOGGER.  For nothing

VERDICT:TIAN TIAN CHICKEN RICE IS THE BEST!  OH WAIT I'M NOT ANTHONY BOURDAINE I'M REUBEN'S OLD COMPUTER GRAPHICS PROFESSOR!!

Beef File #136

Beef File #135

Beef File #134 : Stupid Auto-Flushing Toilets

Author: reub


Dear Auto-Flushing Toilet,

Please crawl into whatever hole you came from and just DIE you stupid piece of useless junk.

VERDICT: I LOOK SO MUCH LIKE ANTHONY BORDAINE IT'S CRAZY

Beef File #133: BAD BREATH

Author: anonymous

If you want to smoke, that's fine, but please EAT SOME MINTS before talking to me. K thanks bai.

VERDICT: RACIST

Beef Story #132: Discriminated in Singapore because I'm not "Chinese" enough

Author: roob

So I've been looking for an apartment in Singapore and found a nice advertisement online for a room that matched my requirements quite nicely.  The ad said something like "chinese only" so anticipating this, I told the agent that I am half-Chinese, speak basic Mandarin, and have lived in China for one year.  The agent flat-out told me though that "the owner still prefer Chinese."  I called her and she tested my chinese ability with some simple questions and I replied promptly and proved to her I can still chingchong.  Later though she texted again and said, "the owner insist on Chinese only."

 王八蛋！！！！

VERDICT: RACIST

Beef Story #131 : Martial Beef

Author: anonymous

A couple of years ago I started taking martial arts classes and i joined a tournament the first year.  I trained pretty hard for it.  I knew my advantage was speed and stamina, so my plan was exhaust my opponent by running around all over the place and picking them apart.  The weapons of choice were padded sticks but wore a big metal helmet to protect our heads.

The time came for my first fight and I was up against a larger, stronger, opponent. I had faced him before in a sparring match so I was pretty confident about my chances against him.  When the ref gave the signal I didn't just begin to fight--I danced.  I was all over the place.  moving in and striking then quickly moving out of range.  Sure, he got me sometimes, but for every time he hit me, I hit him back at least 2 or 3 times.

When the match ended they went to the judges.  All three declared my opponent as the winner.  What?  Unanimous decision?  Did I do that poorly? I'd accept a split decision loss, but unanimous?   That didn't make any sense to me considering how dominant I felt during the match.  Oh well, maybe it's a fluke and it's just a friendly tournament anyway.

After this defeat, I was moved to the loser's bracket, yet I faced a more experienced, skilled, faster opponent.  Lucky for me he wasn't in top condition and a little out of shape so I decided to try the same strategy again.  I weaved in and out, but so did he and we both got in some good attacks, with both of us making use of the entire ring.   We both tried not to waste energy or allowing ourselves to stand there and take punishment.  In the end I thought it must've been a great fight (probably one of the best fights of the tournament) that would be hard to call.  However, when the judges called it again it was a unanimous victory for my opponent again.  What?  What the heck was going on?  I felt like I performed well yet in both of my matches, none of the three judges gave me any points.

Disqualified, I sat down in disbelief and watched the rest of the matches, and I
slowly began to understand what was going wrong for me.  The judges were giving the matches to the agressor.  No matter how much damage the person took, if it looked like they were more agressive, they won the judges' votes.  To the judges it looked like I was running away.  It didn't matter that I was taking far less damage than my opponents, but my method of darting in, getting in a few quick hits then retreating back to a safe distance, didn't appeal to the judges at all.

In the end, the finalists of my division were my first opponent and another guy who was new to the martial art.  Their styles were similar: barge in and use your strength to get in good hits, even at the cost of absorbing a few hits.  This works fine in a tournament I guess but in real life if you get hit with one of these sticks that's all it takes to put you out.  So I don't get why the tournament was scored in a way that rewards the person who is always attacking and leaving themselves open.
 
So that's when I said I'm never joining another tournament like this again and I have major beef with the judges.  I give credit to my opponents, but in my mind I did not lose to them (at least not unanimously).  I blame the judges.
although I've asked to see the original videos of my fight to prove my point, they have never been released to this very day.  

VERDICT: ALL YOUR SOUR GRAPES ARE BELONG TO US

Beef Story #130: Beefy Plus One

Author: "anonymous"

So I'm getting married and decided to send out an invite on facebook to gauge peoples' interest and in the invite I specifically said NO PLUS-ONE'S OR EXTRA GUESTS without PRIOR CONSENT yet a bunch of people keep posting that they're going to bring guests, most of whom didn't even ask us personally yet. Stuff like, "Cool, I'll bring this girl I picked up at the mall" or "Awesome!  I'm bringing my whole family and the inlaws!"  or "I'm gonna grab 20 random homeless people and bring them to the reception!  Can't wait!"  Please people... don't put the bride and groom in an awkward situation.  This is BEEFY

THE VERDICT: HOW ARE YOU GENTLEMEN!!

Beef Story #129: Smoked Beef Part 2

Author: roobs

So I think if you want to smoke, that's fine.  That's your right to do whatever you want with your body, like getting tattoos, drinking alcohol, and listening to Justin Bieber.  But I do have a problem with people who smoke in such a way that irritates and annoys the rest of us.  For example, some people still choose to smoke while walking around in large crowds, which sucks for everyone behind them because they end up taking in all of the carcinogens that you just blew into the air.  Not cool.  If you're gonna smoke while you walk, stay away from crowds and don't just blow the smoke up into the air where it will land in the face of the person behind you.  Be a responsible smoker, and don't endanger anyone else's lungs but your own.  There's a reason most places restrict smoking to the "smoking" areas now--IT'S BECAUSE NORMAL PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THE STENCH OF SMOKE LIKE YOU DO.  Is that so hard to understand?   HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I WALKED IN FRONT OF YOU AND FARTED?

THE VERDICT: I WOULD LIKE IT VERY MUCH IF YOU WALKED IN FRONT OF ME AND FARTED

Beef Story #128: Beef at the Opera

Author: timp



so i had bought this groupon for 2 tickets for opera under the stars
and i asked my friend who also enjoys classical music and such if he would like to go and he agreed
then i asked this girl who has a bf if they would like to go as a couple
she agreed but didnt buy the tickets right away
and i told my friend 'what if u buy another one and u can find a girl to go and i will do the same and make it something of a triple date'
now he is 26 and very restless for a wife, gf, woman whatever
so he without hesitation bought one and began his hunt
he asked this girl who recently started going to the korean service at our church, she is 31 very tall and pretty
he asked her over facebook... not as a date, just if she would like to go
she did agree and i also asked this girl from our church just as friends if she would like to go
and she agreed reluctantly because its opera
and the other couple didnt buy the groupon so it was just us 4
so i asked him just so we were clear... if it was or wasnt a date
so he agrees its not a date
and i asked if she was clear on that and he said yeah probably, not explicitly but likely
which i guess was sufficient for me at the time
so saturday rolls around and i call him to let him know we are meeting for dinner
and he says ok, can we push the time back or something because i told her i would pick her up at 630
and then im like................. -______-
and im like whatever the thing starts at 730 and 630 is already pushing dinner
call her and see what u can do
and so we decide to meet at the restaurant at 630 and they are late get there about 720
cause she was still getting ready
and then we have a nice dinner
great food
good conversations
the check comes
and he PAYS FOR HER
and im like -________________________-
well no im more like -___________________-;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
ok so shes like no why
and she looks at my "date" because that is what it officially became
and she says why dont i pay... u are paying
and im thinking like shoot.... do i have to offer to pay for her now? we are just friends it would be awkward for me to pay for her but its awkward for me not to pay for her
so im trying to do this quick mental calculation to determine which route would result in the least awkwardness
so shes still confused as to why hes paying
as am i and my 'date'
so hes like... umm yeah for new friendship! welcome to houston and kpc!
and at this point i had kinda given up -__-
salvaging any kind of dignity for myself
so my question is... is there ANY doubt that this was a date
despite his confirmation in the beginning that it wasnt going to be
he picks her up, buys her dinner, takes her to the opera
oh and then his 'date' was like oh i will buy u guys drinks at the opera then
but they only took cash and she had none
so i bought drinks for everyone
pretty awkward and humiliating on my part

THE VERDICT: I ONCE STRANGLED A MAN WITH DENTAL FLOSS

Beef Story #127: Smoked Beef

Author: ruy


So I was awakened at 4am this morning when my flatmates started banging on my door and telling me we need to run for our lives because some jackasses started a fire on the first floor that sent smoke up through the stairwells to all of the floors semi-near the ground level.  Anyway, we rushed out, only wearing "pang-bahay" (for the house) clothes (wife-beater and shorts) while we stood around at a safe distance with other tenants watching firemen spraying down a trashcan.  So apparently some idiot was burning something either in the trashcan or too close to it and the trashcan probably had something flammable or explosive inside which caused the humongous fire.  Were they burning stuff for the hungry ghost festival?  Was it a prank or the work of some deranged arsonist?  Either way, whoever did this is an idiot and if I ever find out who did it, they will be sorry.

THE VERDICT: I FEEL NOTHING ANYMORE

Beef Story #126 - Overpriced Star Wars Pancake Molds

Author: timp




http://www.williams-sonoma.com/products/star-wars-pancake-mold/

$20 for 3???? it should be like 3 for $10! © 2010 Lucasfilm Ltd. & TM. All Rights Reserved. George lucas!!!

THE VERDICT: MAY THE BEEF BE WITH YOU...ALWAYS...

Beef Story #125: Beef

Author: reuben



beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef
beef beef beefbeefbeefbeefeebefeefbeefeebeefbeef
beefbeedfbeefbeefbeeffbeeefbeefbeefbeeffbeeefbe
beefdebefwbeeebffbeeeefbeeff









THE VERDICT: BEEFY

Beef Story #124: 00:00:04 00:00:03 00:00:02 00:00:01 00:00:00

Author: reub

I've got beef with whoever cancelled 24. While the final season was pretty standard 24 fare, I enjoyed it, especially the final third of Day 8, aka "Jack goes on a crazed, fury-induced rampage."


We always that Jack would choke Chloe one day. We just didn't know when and why.


Here are pics of Jack choking those closest to him from last season too, in case you forgot.






THE VERDICT: I COULD CHOKE YOU WITH A CORDLESS PHONE

Beef Story #123: Racism in Spring

Author: Timp

its what happens when u live in spring
I just had one of the strangest encounters with a customer. while prepping her box for shipment she asked: have u noticed a lot of black people in here lately? i was a bit confused by this but...I just had one of the strangest encounters with a customer.
while prepping her box for shipment she asked: have u noticed a lot of black people in here lately? i was a bit confused by this but answered no maam not more than usual i think
she says seems like everytime i come in there are black people here...
i shrug my shoulders and kinda dismiss it. then as shes walking out, she turns and says be careful...those people didnt seem to be reputable if you know what i mean.

i guess im flattered by her care, but appalled by her blatant racism and apparent lack of awareness of anything wrong with it. more surprised by her openness with it than the racism itself. i believe this is the same lady that asked me last year during the holidays...you people do celebrate christmas don't u?

cant wait until friday, i gotta start getting used to waking up early




THE VERDICT: MY PEOPLE TAKE OFFENSE

Beef Story #122

Author: Reuben

I've got beef with pork.

Raw pork.





THE VERDICT: I CAN PROTECT YOU FROM SHAWN KEMP AND CHUPACABRAS, BUT ONLY YOU CAN PROTECT YOURSELF FROM UNCOOKED PORK PRODUCTS.

Beef Story #121: About Making Babies

Author: CatherineMatherine

sup sup? just wanted to share a beefy story about a mutual friend who will remain unnamed who just had a baby and is a peds resident in H-town. I was scheduled to fly to Houston to take one of my licensing exams on monday sept 21 and since i had a few hours of free time on sunday afternoon, i told our mutual friend that i would love to swing by and see the new baby and of course he said that would be fine, we'd love to see you too. so then i packed up a nice baby gift and hand-carried it all the way to houston and then texted our friend in his native japanese that "moshi moshi, watashi wa in houston" and asked if it was still ok for me to swing by. well, i didn't hear back so an hour later i called and left a voicemail but did not get any response. later that evening, around 11pm i got a text saying that he was just leaving the hospital and didn't get my messages till then, to which i replied that i asked my aunt to leave the baby gift with pastor e next sunday and then followed that up with, "you know this is going in the beef files" which was met with the classic response, "shoot man shoot!"


THE VERDICT: I can't believe all you people are making babies now

Beef Story #120

Author: reuben

Use headphones.
No one wants to hear your crappy music

...especially on an airplane. People are trying to sleep.


THE VERDICT: And don't take pictures with the flash on inside of an airplane when the cabin lights have dimmed either. What was so special about your seat or the seat in front of you that you needed to take 40 pictures of it in the dark? Use common sense, people...

Beef Story #119: Upstanding Los Angeles Citizens Partake in Post-NBA-Finals Festivities

Author: Owner of the car in the picture


The picture says it all



THE VERDICT: I ONCE DUNKED ON THE WHOLE LAKERS TEAM

Beef Story #118: And then a hero comes along

Author: Peter Petrelli

I have beef with all the "fans" who gave up on Heroes. You missed out on a great season 3 finale. If I still had my time travel and teleportation ability I would hunt you all down, tape your eyes open and make you watch every single freaking episode over and over again. Even season 2.


THE VERDICT: THEY GAVE UP ON HEROES LIKE HOUSTON GAVE UP ON ME

Beef Story#117: Old dudes who act like they own the place

Author: reub

So I was in line at the grocery store with a ton of stuff, so I had to place the baskets on the floor and nudge them periodically towards the cashier as the line slowly moved forward. During one such time, I looked down at my groceries and then when I looked back up, this old guy was sort of sliding into the small gap in front of me. He turned and looked at me to see if I saw him so blatantly cut in line, then turned away and hoped I wouldn't notice that an old, smelly guy just magically appeared in front of me. He's lucky I would have felt guilty for punching an old man in the face...even if he deserved it.


THE VERDICT: BE A MAN. DO THE RIGHT THING.

Beef Story #116: It hurts when I pee and I don't know why

Author: somebody

NOOOOooOOOOooooo!!!!!!!!






THE VERDICT: Man, that is MESSED UP

Beef Story #115

Author: rajan

I have a beef against manufactured beef stories.



THE VERDICT: TOO BAD NONE OF THESE STORIES ARE MANUFACTURED

Beef Story #114: Getting Choked By Jack Bauer

Authors: Renee Walker and Bill Buchanan

It doesn't matter how long you've known Jack or how close you think you are to him--he WILL choke you if he thinks its vital to national security.






THE VERDICT: YOU ARE WEAK. YOU WILL NOT DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE IN THE FACE OF EVIL

Beef Story #113: Wake Up America! - Look at your cellphone!

Author: J Krause

You are being screwed and you probably don't even know it. You were taught that you live in the land of the free, right? Do you believe it? If you do, you're wrong. At least when it comes to cellphones. Ever since cellphones were invented, Americans have had some of the worst cellphones in the world. Everytime a "new" cellphone comes out, you think "Wow! Look at what you can do on a phone these days." In fact, what you don't know is that the "new phone" that just came out is over a year old. It's just that you were not allowed to see it. Why not? Because the cellphone companies were not finished selling you their old models. They want to sell you old technology as long as they can before they let you see what's next. Does the rest of the world do this? No. They are not dumb enough to fall for it. The rest of the world gets the new phones as soon as they come out. But here in the US, we rarely look at how people live in other countries. You'd be surprised to see that they live better than you do. Did you know that in Japan and Korea they've had color, high resolution, cable tv on their phones for years and years? You'll be lucky to be "allowed" to buy one of those phones in 2012. I bet it's more like 2015 when you'll be granted that priveladge. Did you know in Japan they had large color screens in Japan and Korea while we were still in high school? (Late 1990's)? We had ugly black and white screens in the US. How is it possible that in the USA we are getting the shaft? because we let the cellphone companies control what is allowed to be sold in our country. Before one of the nice phones from Asia is allowed to be sold in the USA, the cell phone companies DEMAND that the manufacturer take away funcitons, abilities and software that is free in other countries. It's normal for a phone in asia to have Wifi, Bluetooth, internet software, mp3, maybe some video playing, connecting to your computer to let your computer run off your phones internet, etc. The cellphone comanies damaand that most of it is disabled so they can "sell it to you" as an extra feature or as a extra montly charge. Speaking of extra charges, in most countries, in comming calls and text messages are free. You only pay for what you do. How can you control who calls u and who texts you? You can't. Other countries understand this. In America, we understand we can make more money by making both parties pay.

Need proof? HTC is a wondreful up and comming cellphone company. Look at their website. Look and see whatt phones are for sale in the USA, then look at the Taiwan site or the UK site. In the USA we have the touch pro. In Taiwan we have the Touch Pro2. In the USA we have the Touch Diamond. In Taiwan or the UK we have the Touch Diamond2. You won't see those phones in the USA until they are disabled.

Stop letting the cellphone companies control your life! Don't buy their phones. Don't buy from them if you can. I don't even want to get in to the fact that the US is only of the only countries that LOCKS a phone before they sell it. Would u buy a house if they lock it and don't give u the key? No! Then don't buy a locked phone. In other countries any phone works with any company.

Write your senator and ask them to stop cellphone companies from limiting your freedom and ruining products before they're even sold.



THE VERDICT: I SENSE MUCH BEEF IN YOU

Beef Story #112

Author: FBI Agent Larry Moss

I've got major beef with Jack Bauer. We had a conversation today that went like this:

Me: "Look at yourself. You have lost everyone and everything you ever had by doing what you think is necessary. I won't let you do it to her, Bauer. Renee will not end up like you!"
(...long pause....)
Jack: "Are you gonna give me your keys or not?"

And then he stared at me like this for a few seconds.



I've gotta say, it was the most intense thing anyone's ever said to me and also the most uncomfortable 5 seconds of my life.


THE VERDICT: GIVE ME YOUR CAR KEYS--NOW

Beef Story #111

Author: someone from the internetz

Today I talk to everybody and nobody at the same time by posting on Facebook
Before Facebook, I used IM to stay in touch with people
Before instant messengers, I emailed friends regularly
Before email, I called people on the phone
Before I had a phone, I talked to people in person

So I have beef with the internet for making communication both harder and easier at the
same time

Beef Story #110

Author: me

The elevators in my building suck. Here's why:

1. The elevators are SLOW. Not Forrest Gump slow... we're talking Simple Jack slow. I can leisurely walk up the stairs and still beat the elevator to my floor with time to spare. I usually spend this extra time by bringing out some sort of time-keeping device and positioning myself in front of the elevator doors. Once they open, the first thing the passengers see is me staring at my watch, tapping my foot and shaking my head slowly.

2. The elevators shake like crazy and make loud creaking noises like you're really fat and about to fall through the floor.

3. These elevators don't stop on every floor. I wonder how much money they saved by this little act of absolute cheapness. A couple hundred bucks?

4. If you're on one of the middle floors, there's no way to indicate which direction you're going. The elevator will open on your floor even if it's going up and you wanted to go down. You can either go inside and endure the guaranteed prolonged awkwardness with annoyed strangers or just continue waiting longer, risking the chance of missing the elevator if you forget to press the button again...not that it's ever happened to me before....

5. When more than one floor is pressed. The elevator follows the order of the buttons pressed. So if we're starting from the ground floor and someone pushes the button for the 24th floor then I push floor 9, it will go to the 24th floor first, THEN floor 9. Basically it's a mad rush to see who can push their button first and then awkward silence, subdued gloating and icy stares.

6. Scenario: You're on the ground floor and there's an elevator on the 5th floor and one on the 28th floor that's already moving. You call for the elevator and the one from the 5th refuses to come down and you have to wait for the farther elevator to come all the way down while the elevator on the 5th floor does absolutely NOTHING. STUPID STUPID STUPID. Can someone shoot whoever programmed the logic for this stupid elevator?? Here let me google that for them: http://tinyurl.com/cxrwxq




THE VERDICT: Take the stairs

Beef Story #109

Author: Reuben's stomach

Stop feeding me disgusting sugarless oatmeal for lunch or I'll make you puke at the next important meeting you have to attend.


THE VERDICT: MEESA SO HUNGRY ANI!!!!

Beef Story #108

Author: reub


The upstairs neighbors are at it again. They're POOING and singing karaoke. Every time they lay down a stinker we can smell every little detail down here because of a faulty, leaking pipe. The pooing--I can understand. Nature calls. But it's the late-night karaoke that's beefin' me.

The last time they had their late-night karaoke torture session, I called the police and my transformation into the old cranky downstairs neighbor was complete. About an hour later the karaoke stopped and the police didn't arrive yet so I went to sleep. Then a half hour later the phone rings....and it's the police.

Police: Are you the one who called? Are your neighbors still making a disturbance??
Me: Uh, no. They stopped nearly an hour ago.
Police: Do you want to come down here so you can file a report?
Me: I'd like to file a report against the both of you ... but nah, that's okay--I just wanna get some sleep. I'll get you back later. Thanks for nothing.
Police: You're welcome. Have a pleasant evening.


THE VERDICT: I'VE GOT NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT THAT

Beef Story #107

Author: Anonymous

My girlfriend was shopping for shoes so I sat down to play some GTA: Chinatown Wars on my DS. Soon enough, a crowd of little kids gathered around me and wanted to know what I was playing. How could I break it to the little tikes that I was murdering police officers, stealing cars, and selling drugs? So actually this beef isn't for me. I'm filing for the parents of those kids, who are probably wondering why their kids are asking them why powder coke is more expensive then the liquid kind. Hey, it's just a game.


THE VERDICT: You're an awful human being

Beef Story #106

Author: reuben

So I'm just chillin' in my apartment minding my own business when the downstairs neighbors decide to start screaming at each other at the top of their lungs. Usually most people don't have the lung capacity to sustain such an intense level of yelling and rage for prolonged periods of time but somehow these people just can't seem to stop.

After yelling "SHUT YER HOLE!!!!" out the window things seemed to quiet down and we were given a brief respite (probably due to the awkwardness). However, within the next few minutes the yelling continued. When I was younger, my friends and I would make so much noise in our apartment that our downstairs neighbors would smack their ceiling with a broomstick to get our attention and potentially shame us into being quiet. It never really worked. Now I'm the one with the broomstick and oh how the tables have turned. Some might say it's karma, justice, or reaping what you sow. I say it's beef.


THE VERDICT: BEEFY, THIS IS

Beef Story #105

Author: Reub


I have beef with my downstairs neighbor. She had the nerve to knock on our apartment door at 4am in the morning to tell me to stop playing the drums!!! can you believe her??!!


THE VERDICT: BEEFY

Beef Story #104

Author: Anonymous

OH MY GOODNESS. So I was taking a dump and usually I wait for the bathroom to empty out before I leave so I don't have to face the awkwardness of seeing other people in the bathroom. but then as I'm about to leave I hear someone walking around the bathroom, just loitering. Then he starts jingling his keys and pacing around my stall. By now I've realized it's the janitor and he's not leaving until I get out of the stall. Of course by now I've also been just sitting there for at least 10 minutes waiting for this jerk to leave, but he's still there, standing RIGHT OUTSIDE the stall, jingling his keys, and even LOOKING IN THE STALL??!!! WHAT THE CRAP!?!! I'll just crap all over the floor like Sean would. That'll show him.


THE VERDICT: THAT'S ASSAULT, BROTHER

Beef Story #102

Author: Reuben

A Beefy Bathroom Story
(proudly presented by MC Hammer)

my lyrics are hype and dope.
reubs was chilling in a stall on the 8th flo' (floor)
when a sucka wit a problem sits next to him
makin' some loud sounds like a cotton gin
when he finished his bidness (business)
he said "oh my goodness"
and the toilet overflowed into reuben's stall
word to yo mutha


THE VERDICT: I WORK IN THE SAME BUILDING AS REUBS!

Beef Story #101

Author: Reuben

Ok, I apologize... looking over the past few beef files made me realize the quality of beef recently has been.. well...crappy. And it's my fault since I'm the only one who contributes beef these days. What happened to all the beef stories about flatulence and bathroom humor? Well, it's back BABY!!

Click here for a little background info and definitions before we get started

Anyways, at work I'm seated in a very central location; in other words, everybody and their mother can see me at all times--especially if I start to fall asleep or hide under my desk. Not that I'd do that. I wish I sat in the corner somewhere next to a window like a certain individual who shall go unnamed.

So in order to be a good worker, I started drinking coffee, but it doesn't help anymore (I became immune to it when I drank so much coffee to stay awake in comp360) and my final option is to go into the bathroom and just close my eyes for a minute or two, then return to work. I found this is really helpful because it forces me to get out of my chair and closing my eyes even for a short time helps reenergize me. But I digress...the problem with this new strategy, however, is that at almost any given time, there is someone taking a dump in the bathroom. It really doesn't matter which floor you go to: everyone knows the tactic of going to other floors to use the bathroom to avoid embarassment. I see this all the time.. people who you've never seen before come to your floor and go straight for the bathroom. Look for this next time you're at the office, you'll probably see it all the time. So I guess I'll have to go to Doubletree or Allen Center to use the bathroom from now on. They have nice bathrooms.

Back to my point: it's not very relaxing to walk into the bathroom and close your eyes, only to smell the funk of another person's dump, ergo defeating my purpose of going into the bathroom in the first place. So today I walked into a stall but belatedly noticed the tell-tale tapping of someone's foot and the rustling of the day's newspaper which indicated the presence of an out-of-the-closet pooper. Realizing that my position had been compromised, I pretended to blow my nose in the stall and then started to leave. Then I had to fart and I had the most wonderful idea. My final revenge against this bathroom loiterer was to crudely break the awkward silence by farting as loud as I could. I held in a laugh and planned to leave the bathroom as soon as possible but as I was about to walk out one of my co-workers entered the bathroom. Caught off-guard, I walked to the sinks to pretend-wash my hands and my co-worker did so as well (it is common to scout out a bathroom and, seeing someone else in there already, pretend to wash your hands and leave so that you can find another bathroom or walk back to your cubicle where you'll wait until the pooper leaves).

Anyway, I got caught up in a conversation with my co-worker, and eventually the pooper finished and exited the stall, and looked straight at me as if to say (so you thought you could just fart and leave without me seeing who it was but now I see you and the upper hand is once again mine--MUH HAHAHAHA) and now he knows that I'm the one who farted. Oh, how the tables have turned against me.


THE VERDICT: YOU ARE SO WEIRD!