Ok, I apologize... looking over the past few beef files made me realize the quality of beef recently has been.. well...crappy. And it's my fault since I'm the only one who contributes beef these days. What happened to all the beef stories about flatulence and bathroom humor? Well, it's back BABY!!
Click here for a little background info and definitions before we get started
Anyways, at work I'm seated in a very central location; in other words, everybody and their mother can see me at all times--especially if I start to fall asleep or hide under my desk. Not that I'd do that. I wish I sat in the corner somewhere next to a window like a certain individual who shall go unnamed.
So in order to be a good worker, I started drinking coffee, but it doesn't help anymore (I became immune to it when I drank so much coffee to stay awake in comp360) and my final option is to go into the bathroom and just close my eyes for a minute or two, then return to work. I found this is really helpful because it forces me to get out of my chair and closing my eyes even for a short time helps reenergize me. But I digress...the problem with this new strategy, however, is that at almost any given time, there is someone taking a dump in the bathroom. It really doesn't matter which floor you go to: everyone knows the tactic of going to other floors to use the bathroom to avoid embarassment. I see this all the time.. people who you've never seen before come to your floor and go straight for the bathroom. Look for this next time you're at the office, you'll probably see it all the time. So I guess I'll have to go to Doubletree or Allen Center to use the bathroom from now on. They have nice bathrooms.
Back to my point: it's not very relaxing to walk into the bathroom and close your eyes, only to smell the funk of another person's dump, ergo defeating my purpose of going into the bathroom in the first place. So today I walked into a stall but belatedly noticed the tell-tale tapping of someone's foot and the rustling of the day's newspaper which indicated the presence of an out-of-the-closet pooper. Realizing that my position had been compromised, I pretended to blow my nose in the stall and then started to leave. Then I had to fart and I had the most wonderful idea. My final revenge against this bathroom loiterer was to crudely break the awkward silence by farting as loud as I could. I held in a laugh and planned to leave the bathroom as soon as possible but as I was about to walk out one of my co-workers entered the bathroom. Caught off-guard, I walked to the sinks to pretend-wash my hands and my co-worker did so as well (it is common to scout out a bathroom and, seeing someone else in there already, pretend to wash your hands and leave so that you can find another bathroom or walk back to your cubicle where you'll wait until the pooper leaves).
Anyway, I got caught up in a conversation with my co-worker, and eventually the pooper finished and exited the stall, and looked straight at me as if to say (so you thought you could just fart and leave without me seeing who it was but now I see you and the upper hand is once again mine--MUH HAHAHAHA) and now he knows that I'm the one who farted. Oh, how the tables have turned against me.
THE VERDICT: YOU ARE SO WEIRD!
