I've got beef with pork.
Raw pork.
THE VERDICT: I CAN PROTECT YOU FROM SHAWN KEMP AND CHUPACABRAS, BUT ONLY YOU CAN PROTECT YOURSELF FROM UNCOOKED PORK PRODUCTS.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Beef Story #122
Author: Reuben
I've got beef with pork.
Raw pork.
THE VERDICT: I CAN PROTECT YOU FROM SHAWN KEMP AND CHUPACABRAS, BUT ONLY YOU CAN PROTECT YOURSELF FROM UNCOOKED PORK PRODUCTS.
I've got beef with pork.
Raw pork.
THE VERDICT: I CAN PROTECT YOU FROM SHAWN KEMP AND CHUPACABRAS, BUT ONLY YOU CAN PROTECT YOURSELF FROM UNCOOKED PORK PRODUCTS.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Beef Story #121: About Making Babies
Author: CatherineMatherine
sup sup? just wanted to share a beefy story about a mutual friend who will remain unnamed who just had a baby and is a peds resident in H-town. I was scheduled to fly to Houston to take one of my licensing exams on monday sept 21 and since i had a few hours of free time on sunday afternoon, i told our mutual friend that i would love to swing by and see the new baby and of course he said that would be fine, we'd love to see you too. so then i packed up a nice baby gift and hand-carried it all the way to houston and then texted our friend in his native japanese that "moshi moshi, watashi wa in houston" and asked if it was still ok for me to swing by. well, i didn't hear back so an hour later i called and left a voicemail but did not get any response. later that evening, around 11pm i got a text saying that he was just leaving the hospital and didn't get my messages till then, to which i replied that i asked my aunt to leave the baby gift with pastor e next sunday and then followed that up with, "you know this is going in the beef files" which was met with the classic response, "shoot man shoot!"
THE VERDICT: I can't believe all you people are making babies now
sup sup? just wanted to share a beefy story about a mutual friend who will remain unnamed who just had a baby and is a peds resident in H-town. I was scheduled to fly to Houston to take one of my licensing exams on monday sept 21 and since i had a few hours of free time on sunday afternoon, i told our mutual friend that i would love to swing by and see the new baby and of course he said that would be fine, we'd love to see you too. so then i packed up a nice baby gift and hand-carried it all the way to houston and then texted our friend in his native japanese that "moshi moshi, watashi wa in houston" and asked if it was still ok for me to swing by. well, i didn't hear back so an hour later i called and left a voicemail but did not get any response. later that evening, around 11pm i got a text saying that he was just leaving the hospital and didn't get my messages till then, to which i replied that i asked my aunt to leave the baby gift with pastor e next sunday and then followed that up with, "you know this is going in the beef files" which was met with the classic response, "shoot man shoot!"
THE VERDICT: I can't believe all you people are making babies now
Friday, August 21, 2009
Beef Story #120
Author: reuben
Use headphones.
No one wants to hear your crappy music
...especially on an airplane. People are trying to sleep.
THE VERDICT: And don't take pictures with the flash on inside of an airplane when the cabin lights have dimmed either. What was so special about your seat or the seat in front of you that you needed to take 40 pictures of it in the dark? Use common sense, people...
Use headphones.
No one wants to hear your crappy music
...especially on an airplane. People are trying to sleep.
THE VERDICT: And don't take pictures with the flash on inside of an airplane when the cabin lights have dimmed either. What was so special about your seat or the seat in front of you that you needed to take 40 pictures of it in the dark? Use common sense, people...
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Beef Story #119: Upstanding Los Angeles Citizens Partake in Post-NBA-Finals Festivities
Author: Owner of the car in the picture
The picture says it all
THE VERDICT: I ONCE DUNKED ON THE WHOLE LAKERS TEAM
The picture says it all
THE VERDICT: I ONCE DUNKED ON THE WHOLE LAKERS TEAM
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Beef Story #118: And then a hero comes along
Author: Peter Petrelli
I have beef with all the "fans" who gave up on Heroes. You missed out on a great season 3 finale. If I still had my time travel and teleportation ability I would hunt you all down, tape your eyes open and make you watch every single freaking episode over and over again. Even season 2.
THE VERDICT: THEY GAVE UP ON HEROES LIKE HOUSTON GAVE UP ON ME
I have beef with all the "fans" who gave up on Heroes. You missed out on a great season 3 finale. If I still had my time travel and teleportation ability I would hunt you all down, tape your eyes open and make you watch every single freaking episode over and over again. Even season 2.
THE VERDICT: THEY GAVE UP ON HEROES LIKE HOUSTON GAVE UP ON ME
Monday, April 27, 2009
Beef Story#117: Old dudes who act like they own the place
Author: reub
So I was in line at the grocery store with a ton of stuff, so I had to place the baskets on the floor and nudge them periodically towards the cashier as the line slowly moved forward. During one such time, I looked down at my groceries and then when I looked back up, this old guy was sort of sliding into the small gap in front of me. He turned and looked at me to see if I saw him so blatantly cut in line, then turned away and hoped I wouldn't notice that an old, smelly guy just magically appeared in front of me. He's lucky I would have felt guilty for punching an old man in the face...even if he deserved it.
THE VERDICT: BE A MAN. DO THE RIGHT THING.
So I was in line at the grocery store with a ton of stuff, so I had to place the baskets on the floor and nudge them periodically towards the cashier as the line slowly moved forward. During one such time, I looked down at my groceries and then when I looked back up, this old guy was sort of sliding into the small gap in front of me. He turned and looked at me to see if I saw him so blatantly cut in line, then turned away and hoped I wouldn't notice that an old, smelly guy just magically appeared in front of me. He's lucky I would have felt guilty for punching an old man in the face...even if he deserved it.
THE VERDICT: BE A MAN. DO THE RIGHT THING.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Beef Story #115
Author: rajan
I have a beef against manufactured beef stories.
THE VERDICT: TOO BAD NONE OF THESE STORIES ARE MANUFACTURED
I have a beef against manufactured beef stories.
THE VERDICT: TOO BAD NONE OF THESE STORIES ARE MANUFACTURED
Beef Story #114: Getting Choked By Jack Bauer
Authors: Renee Walker and Bill Buchanan
It doesn't matter how long you've known Jack or how close you think you are to him--he WILL choke you if he thinks its vital to national security.
THE VERDICT: YOU ARE WEAK. YOU WILL NOT DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE IN THE FACE OF EVIL
It doesn't matter how long you've known Jack or how close you think you are to him--he WILL choke you if he thinks its vital to national security.
THE VERDICT: YOU ARE WEAK. YOU WILL NOT DO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE IN THE FACE OF EVIL
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Beef Story #113: Wake Up America! - Look at your cellphone!
Author: J Krause
You are being screwed and you probably don't even know it. You were taught that you live in the land of the free, right? Do you believe it? If you do, you're wrong. At least when it comes to cellphones. Ever since cellphones were invented, Americans have had some of the worst cellphones in the world. Everytime a "new" cellphone comes out, you think "Wow! Look at what you can do on a phone these days." In fact, what you don't know is that the "new phone" that just came out is over a year old. It's just that you were not allowed to see it. Why not? Because the cellphone companies were not finished selling you their old models. They want to sell you old technology as long as they can before they let you see what's next. Does the rest of the world do this? No. They are not dumb enough to fall for it. The rest of the world gets the new phones as soon as they come out. But here in the US, we rarely look at how people live in other countries. You'd be surprised to see that they live better than you do. Did you know that in Japan and Korea they've had color, high resolution, cable tv on their phones for years and years? You'll be lucky to be "allowed" to buy one of those phones in 2012. I bet it's more like 2015 when you'll be granted that priveladge. Did you know in Japan they had large color screens in Japan and Korea while we were still in high school? (Late 1990's)? We had ugly black and white screens in the US. How is it possible that in the USA we are getting the shaft? because we let the cellphone companies control what is allowed to be sold in our country. Before one of the nice phones from Asia is allowed to be sold in the USA, the cell phone companies DEMAND that the manufacturer take away funcitons, abilities and software that is free in other countries. It's normal for a phone in asia to have Wifi, Bluetooth, internet software, mp3, maybe some video playing, connecting to your computer to let your computer run off your phones internet, etc. The cellphone comanies damaand that most of it is disabled so they can "sell it to you" as an extra feature or as a extra montly charge. Speaking of extra charges, in most countries, in comming calls and text messages are free. You only pay for what you do. How can you control who calls u and who texts you? You can't. Other countries understand this. In America, we understand we can make more money by making both parties pay.
Need proof? HTC is a wondreful up and comming cellphone company. Look at their website. Look and see whatt phones are for sale in the USA, then look at the Taiwan site or the UK site. In the USA we have the touch pro. In Taiwan we have the Touch Pro2. In the USA we have the Touch Diamond. In Taiwan or the UK we have the Touch Diamond2. You won't see those phones in the USA until they are disabled.
Stop letting the cellphone companies control your life! Don't buy their phones. Don't buy from them if you can. I don't even want to get in to the fact that the US is only of the only countries that LOCKS a phone before they sell it. Would u buy a house if they lock it and don't give u the key? No! Then don't buy a locked phone. In other countries any phone works with any company.
Write your senator and ask them to stop cellphone companies from limiting your freedom and ruining products before they're even sold.
THE VERDICT: I SENSE MUCH BEEF IN YOU
You are being screwed and you probably don't even know it. You were taught that you live in the land of the free, right? Do you believe it? If you do, you're wrong. At least when it comes to cellphones. Ever since cellphones were invented, Americans have had some of the worst cellphones in the world. Everytime a "new" cellphone comes out, you think "Wow! Look at what you can do on a phone these days." In fact, what you don't know is that the "new phone" that just came out is over a year old. It's just that you were not allowed to see it. Why not? Because the cellphone companies were not finished selling you their old models. They want to sell you old technology as long as they can before they let you see what's next. Does the rest of the world do this? No. They are not dumb enough to fall for it. The rest of the world gets the new phones as soon as they come out. But here in the US, we rarely look at how people live in other countries. You'd be surprised to see that they live better than you do. Did you know that in Japan and Korea they've had color, high resolution, cable tv on their phones for years and years? You'll be lucky to be "allowed" to buy one of those phones in 2012. I bet it's more like 2015 when you'll be granted that priveladge. Did you know in Japan they had large color screens in Japan and Korea while we were still in high school? (Late 1990's)? We had ugly black and white screens in the US. How is it possible that in the USA we are getting the shaft? because we let the cellphone companies control what is allowed to be sold in our country. Before one of the nice phones from Asia is allowed to be sold in the USA, the cell phone companies DEMAND that the manufacturer take away funcitons, abilities and software that is free in other countries. It's normal for a phone in asia to have Wifi, Bluetooth, internet software, mp3, maybe some video playing, connecting to your computer to let your computer run off your phones internet, etc. The cellphone comanies damaand that most of it is disabled so they can "sell it to you" as an extra feature or as a extra montly charge. Speaking of extra charges, in most countries, in comming calls and text messages are free. You only pay for what you do. How can you control who calls u and who texts you? You can't. Other countries understand this. In America, we understand we can make more money by making both parties pay.
Need proof? HTC is a wondreful up and comming cellphone company. Look at their website. Look and see whatt phones are for sale in the USA, then look at the Taiwan site or the UK site. In the USA we have the touch pro. In Taiwan we have the Touch Pro2. In the USA we have the Touch Diamond. In Taiwan or the UK we have the Touch Diamond2. You won't see those phones in the USA until they are disabled.
Stop letting the cellphone companies control your life! Don't buy their phones. Don't buy from them if you can. I don't even want to get in to the fact that the US is only of the only countries that LOCKS a phone before they sell it. Would u buy a house if they lock it and don't give u the key? No! Then don't buy a locked phone. In other countries any phone works with any company.
Write your senator and ask them to stop cellphone companies from limiting your freedom and ruining products before they're even sold.
THE VERDICT: I SENSE MUCH BEEF IN YOU
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Beef Story #112
Author: FBI Agent Larry Moss
I've got major beef with Jack Bauer. We had a conversation today that went like this:
Me: "Look at yourself. You have lost everyone and everything you ever had by doing what you think is necessary. I won't let you do it to her, Bauer. Renee will not end up like you!"
(...long pause....)
Jack: "Are you gonna give me your keys or not?"
And then he stared at me like this for a few seconds.
I've gotta say, it was the most intense thing anyone's ever said to me and also the most uncomfortable 5 seconds of my life.
THE VERDICT: GIVE ME YOUR CAR KEYS--NOW
I've got major beef with Jack Bauer. We had a conversation today that went like this:
Me: "Look at yourself. You have lost everyone and everything you ever had by doing what you think is necessary. I won't let you do it to her, Bauer. Renee will not end up like you!"
(...long pause....)
Jack: "Are you gonna give me your keys or not?"
And then he stared at me like this for a few seconds.
I've gotta say, it was the most intense thing anyone's ever said to me and also the most uncomfortable 5 seconds of my life.
THE VERDICT: GIVE ME YOUR CAR KEYS--NOW
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
Beef Story #111
Author: someone from the internetz
Today I talk to everybody and nobody at the same time by posting on Facebook
Before Facebook, I used IM to stay in touch with people
Before instant messengers, I emailed friends regularly
Before email, I called people on the phone
Before I had a phone, I talked to people in person
So I have beef with the internet for making communication both harder and easier at the
same time
Today I talk to everybody and nobody at the same time by posting on Facebook
Before Facebook, I used IM to stay in touch with people
Before instant messengers, I emailed friends regularly
Before email, I called people on the phone
Before I had a phone, I talked to people in person
So I have beef with the internet for making communication both harder and easier at the
same time
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Beef Story #110
Author: me
The elevators in my building suck. Here's why:
1. The elevators are SLOW. Not Forrest Gump slow... we're talking Simple Jack slow. I can leisurely walk up the stairs and still beat the elevator to my floor with time to spare. I usually spend this extra time by bringing out some sort of time-keeping device and positioning myself in front of the elevator doors. Once they open, the first thing the passengers see is me staring at my watch, tapping my foot and shaking my head slowly.
2. The elevators shake like crazy and make loud creaking noises like you're really fat and about to fall through the floor.
3. These elevators don't stop on every floor. I wonder how much money they saved by this little act of absolute cheapness. A couple hundred bucks?
4. If you're on one of the middle floors, there's no way to indicate which direction you're going. The elevator will open on your floor even if it's going up and you wanted to go down. You can either go inside and endure the guaranteed prolonged awkwardness with annoyed strangers or just continue waiting longer, risking the chance of missing the elevator if you forget to press the button again...not that it's ever happened to me before....
5. When more than one floor is pressed. The elevator follows the order of the buttons pressed. So if we're starting from the ground floor and someone pushes the button for the 24th floor then I push floor 9, it will go to the 24th floor first, THEN floor 9. Basically it's a mad rush to see who can push their button first and then awkward silence, subdued gloating and icy stares.
6. Scenario: You're on the ground floor and there's an elevator on the 5th floor and one on the 28th floor that's already moving. You call for the elevator and the one from the 5th refuses to come down and you have to wait for the farther elevator to come all the way down while the elevator on the 5th floor does absolutely NOTHING. STUPID STUPID STUPID. Can someone shoot whoever programmed the logic for this stupid elevator?? Here let me google that for them: http://tinyurl.com/cxrwxq
THE VERDICT: Take the stairs
The elevators in my building suck. Here's why:
1. The elevators are SLOW. Not Forrest Gump slow... we're talking Simple Jack slow. I can leisurely walk up the stairs and still beat the elevator to my floor with time to spare. I usually spend this extra time by bringing out some sort of time-keeping device and positioning myself in front of the elevator doors. Once they open, the first thing the passengers see is me staring at my watch, tapping my foot and shaking my head slowly.
2. The elevators shake like crazy and make loud creaking noises like you're really fat and about to fall through the floor.
3. These elevators don't stop on every floor. I wonder how much money they saved by this little act of absolute cheapness. A couple hundred bucks?
4. If you're on one of the middle floors, there's no way to indicate which direction you're going. The elevator will open on your floor even if it's going up and you wanted to go down. You can either go inside and endure the guaranteed prolonged awkwardness with annoyed strangers or just continue waiting longer, risking the chance of missing the elevator if you forget to press the button again...not that it's ever happened to me before....
5. When more than one floor is pressed. The elevator follows the order of the buttons pressed. So if we're starting from the ground floor and someone pushes the button for the 24th floor then I push floor 9, it will go to the 24th floor first, THEN floor 9. Basically it's a mad rush to see who can push their button first and then awkward silence, subdued gloating and icy stares.
6. Scenario: You're on the ground floor and there's an elevator on the 5th floor and one on the 28th floor that's already moving. You call for the elevator and the one from the 5th refuses to come down and you have to wait for the farther elevator to come all the way down while the elevator on the 5th floor does absolutely NOTHING. STUPID STUPID STUPID. Can someone shoot whoever programmed the logic for this stupid elevator?? Here let me google that for them: http://tinyurl.com/cxrwxq
THE VERDICT: Take the stairs
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Beef Story #109
Author: Reuben's stomach
Stop feeding me disgusting sugarless oatmeal for lunch or I'll make you puke at the next important meeting you have to attend.
THE VERDICT: MEESA SO HUNGRY ANI!!!!
Stop feeding me disgusting sugarless oatmeal for lunch or I'll make you puke at the next important meeting you have to attend.
THE VERDICT: MEESA SO HUNGRY ANI!!!!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Beef Story #108
Author: reub
The upstairs neighbors are at it again. They're POOING and singing karaoke. Every time they lay down a stinker we can smell every little detail down here because of a faulty, leaking pipe. The pooing--I can understand. Nature calls. But it's the late-night karaoke that's beefin' me.
The last time they had their late-night karaoke torture session, I called the police and my transformation into the old cranky downstairs neighbor was complete. About an hour later the karaoke stopped and the police didn't arrive yet so I went to sleep. Then a half hour later the phone rings....and it's the police.
Police: Are you the one who called? Are your neighbors still making a disturbance??
Me: Uh, no. They stopped nearly an hour ago.
Police: Do you want to come down here so you can file a report?
Me: I'd like to file a report against the both of you ... but nah, that's okay--I just wanna get some sleep. I'll get you back later. Thanks for nothing.
Police: You're welcome. Have a pleasant evening.
THE VERDICT: I'VE GOT NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT THAT
The upstairs neighbors are at it again. They're POOING and singing karaoke. Every time they lay down a stinker we can smell every little detail down here because of a faulty, leaking pipe. The pooing--I can understand. Nature calls. But it's the late-night karaoke that's beefin' me.
The last time they had their late-night karaoke torture session, I called the police and my transformation into the old cranky downstairs neighbor was complete. About an hour later the karaoke stopped and the police didn't arrive yet so I went to sleep. Then a half hour later the phone rings....and it's the police.
Police: Are you the one who called? Are your neighbors still making a disturbance??
Me: Uh, no. They stopped nearly an hour ago.
Police: Do you want to come down here so you can file a report?
Me: I'd like to file a report against the both of you ... but nah, that's okay--I just wanna get some sleep. I'll get you back later. Thanks for nothing.
Police: You're welcome. Have a pleasant evening.
THE VERDICT: I'VE GOT NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT THAT
Friday, March 27, 2009
Beef Story #107
Author: Anonymous
My girlfriend was shopping for shoes so I sat down to play some GTA: Chinatown Wars on my DS. Soon enough, a crowd of little kids gathered around me and wanted to know what I was playing. How could I break it to the little tikes that I was murdering police officers, stealing cars, and selling drugs? So actually this beef isn't for me. I'm filing for the parents of those kids, who are probably wondering why their kids are asking them why powder coke is more expensive then the liquid kind. Hey, it's just a game.
THE VERDICT: You're an awful human being
My girlfriend was shopping for shoes so I sat down to play some GTA: Chinatown Wars on my DS. Soon enough, a crowd of little kids gathered around me and wanted to know what I was playing. How could I break it to the little tikes that I was murdering police officers, stealing cars, and selling drugs? So actually this beef isn't for me. I'm filing for the parents of those kids, who are probably wondering why their kids are asking them why powder coke is more expensive then the liquid kind. Hey, it's just a game.
THE VERDICT: You're an awful human being
Beef Story #106
Author: reuben
So I'm just chillin' in my apartment minding my own business when the downstairs neighbors decide to start screaming at each other at the top of their lungs. Usually most people don't have the lung capacity to sustain such an intense level of yelling and rage for prolonged periods of time but somehow these people just can't seem to stop.
After yelling "SHUT YER HOLE!!!!" out the window things seemed to quiet down and we were given a brief respite (probably due to the awkwardness). However, within the next few minutes the yelling continued. When I was younger, my friends and I would make so much noise in our apartment that our downstairs neighbors would smack their ceiling with a broomstick to get our attention and potentially shame us into being quiet. It never really worked. Now I'm the one with the broomstick and oh how the tables have turned. Some might say it's karma, justice, or reaping what you sow. I say it's beef.
THE VERDICT: BEEFY, THIS IS
So I'm just chillin' in my apartment minding my own business when the downstairs neighbors decide to start screaming at each other at the top of their lungs. Usually most people don't have the lung capacity to sustain such an intense level of yelling and rage for prolonged periods of time but somehow these people just can't seem to stop.
After yelling "SHUT YER HOLE!!!!" out the window things seemed to quiet down and we were given a brief respite (probably due to the awkwardness). However, within the next few minutes the yelling continued. When I was younger, my friends and I would make so much noise in our apartment that our downstairs neighbors would smack their ceiling with a broomstick to get our attention and potentially shame us into being quiet. It never really worked. Now I'm the one with the broomstick and oh how the tables have turned. Some might say it's karma, justice, or reaping what you sow. I say it's beef.
THE VERDICT: BEEFY, THIS IS
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