Beef Story #102

Author: Reuben

A Beefy Bathroom Story
(proudly presented by MC Hammer)

my lyrics are hype and dope.
reubs was chilling in a stall on the 8th flo' (floor)
when a sucka wit a problem sits next to him
makin' some loud sounds like a cotton gin
when he finished his bidness (business)
he said "oh my goodness"
and the toilet overflowed into reuben's stall
word to yo mutha


THE VERDICT: I WORK IN THE SAME BUILDING AS REUBS!

Beef Story #101

Author: Reuben

Ok, I apologize... looking over the past few beef files made me realize the quality of beef recently has been.. well...crappy. And it's my fault since I'm the only one who contributes beef these days. What happened to all the beef stories about flatulence and bathroom humor? Well, it's back BABY!!

Click here for a little background info and definitions before we get started

Anyways, at work I'm seated in a very central location; in other words, everybody and their mother can see me at all times--especially if I start to fall asleep or hide under my desk. Not that I'd do that. I wish I sat in the corner somewhere next to a window like a certain individual who shall go unnamed.

So in order to be a good worker, I started drinking coffee, but it doesn't help anymore (I became immune to it when I drank so much coffee to stay awake in comp360) and my final option is to go into the bathroom and just close my eyes for a minute or two, then return to work. I found this is really helpful because it forces me to get out of my chair and closing my eyes even for a short time helps reenergize me. But I digress...the problem with this new strategy, however, is that at almost any given time, there is someone taking a dump in the bathroom. It really doesn't matter which floor you go to: everyone knows the tactic of going to other floors to use the bathroom to avoid embarassment. I see this all the time.. people who you've never seen before come to your floor and go straight for the bathroom. Look for this next time you're at the office, you'll probably see it all the time. So I guess I'll have to go to Doubletree or Allen Center to use the bathroom from now on. They have nice bathrooms.

Back to my point: it's not very relaxing to walk into the bathroom and close your eyes, only to smell the funk of another person's dump, ergo defeating my purpose of going into the bathroom in the first place. So today I walked into a stall but belatedly noticed the tell-tale tapping of someone's foot and the rustling of the day's newspaper which indicated the presence of an out-of-the-closet pooper. Realizing that my position had been compromised, I pretended to blow my nose in the stall and then started to leave. Then I had to fart and I had the most wonderful idea. My final revenge against this bathroom loiterer was to crudely break the awkward silence by farting as loud as I could. I held in a laugh and planned to leave the bathroom as soon as possible but as I was about to walk out one of my co-workers entered the bathroom. Caught off-guard, I walked to the sinks to pretend-wash my hands and my co-worker did so as well (it is common to scout out a bathroom and, seeing someone else in there already, pretend to wash your hands and leave so that you can find another bathroom or walk back to your cubicle where you'll wait until the pooper leaves).

Anyway, I got caught up in a conversation with my co-worker, and eventually the pooper finished and exited the stall, and looked straight at me as if to say (so you thought you could just fart and leave without me seeing who it was but now I see you and the upper hand is once again mine--MUH HAHAHAHA) and now he knows that I'm the one who farted. Oh, how the tables have turned against me.


THE VERDICT: YOU ARE SO WEIRD!

Beef Story #100

Author: Reuben

Hmmm, it's the 100th beef file. You'd think I'd save the 100th beef file for some momentous, gigantic beef story, but no. Why am I the only one posting beef? Am I the only one who has beef now-a-days? I even overhear people I know MISUSE and ABUSE the true meaning of beef. Maybe the beef files really are dying and now this is just a bunch of complaining and whining from me. Which is what I kind of intended it to be in the first place so oh well.

I have beef with SPAM. Not the good spam that most hardcore flips enjoy, but the evil kind that gets in your email accounts everyday. All of my email addresses receive tons of spam which must be deleted each day. Even my old Rice account, which used to be virtually spam-free is now nothing but spam, spam, spam. And the beefiest part is that Hotmail now provides so-called "junk filters" but when I turn it on it filters out all of my REAL email and puts all of the CRAP email in my inbox. What's up with that?


THE VERDICT: CHOO CHOO~!!!

Beef Story #99

Author: Reuben

Okay, so my newest beef is with electrical plugs that aren't designed to share space with other plugs. You've probably seen it before--you buy a cool gadget from Best Buy and you go to plug it in only to find out that there's not enough space on any convenient wall outlets since you've already got two surge protectors full of plugs there waiting to explode. After the difficult task of deciding which appliance/computer component/video game system to unplug, you find out that the plug for your newest toy doesn't fit anywhere unless you remove almost ALL the plugs because the plug is so FREAKIN' HUGE and takes up like a million spaces. Don't they know that we've got other things to plug into the wall and don't have the space for these huge plugs? At least Nintendo got it right with the Gamecube because they made the plug normal size and the huge part is far enough away where you don't have to worry about it taking up space. As for the rest of you electronic companies...GET IT STRAIGHT.



THE VERDICT: THAT'S PRETTY BEEFY

Beef Story #98

Author: Reuben

Check this out... my website's going down soon after I graduate so I gotta find a place to host my website, but I can't find any place that let's you link images from other sites (like blogger) so instead of pictures i get this stupid "Image Hosted by Tripod" crap.



THE VERDICT: IS THIS THE END OF THE BEEF FILES!!???

Beef Story #97

Author: Reuben the Unreachable

Crap, this beef file just got erased...oh well, basically it went like this: whenever people called my phone it went directly to my voicemail all the time without my phone ever ringing and I had to go to Cingular (Which I called Suckular for a short period of time until they fixed my phone) to get it fixed except it was still all screwed up so I had to call customer service and they finally fixed the problem.


THE VERDICT: WE GET NO SIGNAL

Beef Story #96

Author: joyceleepee

this is REALLY FUNNY. bECAUSE, the BEEFy person's name sounds just Like BEEF! IN fact, her name is BEEFin', almost like "b-i-t-...in'" but it's "Beefin'" baby! (really spelled bifen, but since i have beef with her, and i didn't know how to spell her name at first, i just assumed "beefin" cause that's just the most logical way to spell it.)

Anyways, apparently she knows Alisi (my sister), and I was eating lunch with my friend, who is friends with Beefin, so that is how I met Beefin and we all were talking like normal. But Beefin finds out I'm sisters with "the poet," and she begins to talk about how she also knows alisa and etc etc which is cool.. and then she says, "wow, but you guys dress totally different..." and i was like yeah, alisa's cooler than me, i like how she dresses... and beefin is talking about how me and alisa did bear some resemblance, but "...she definitely has a different style..." I smile and nod and agree. Blah blah, more talking, "something about alisa, but you definitely dress really conservatively..." Uh huh. okay. "Oh, I love her hair, it's so long and curly, i think she has a perm" (i inform that it is natural and no perm) - "oh, but yeah, i could tell by your face that you guys were sisters, but you and her look totally different - your hair is straight, and doesn't she ahve the cool !
glasses? and yeah, she dresses way more different - she has like a cool spunky style"

yeah, i start to realize why her parents name her Beefin, cause they knew she'd be pretty Beefin' BEEFY! hahahaa - well, it doesn't bother me as much that she thinks i dress "badly" or not desirably compared to alisa, because yeah, i like alisa's style, and i just don't care enough i guess to expend energy into my clothing as much unless i'm specificlaly going to a party or something more than just classes, but the thing that made me annoyed was that she was so conscious of outer appearance and knowing that she was making such an assessment out of the clothes i wore and the way my hair looked and i guess probably that i wear no make-up, (since both her and my friend obviously do wear make-up) -but i've never had someone so blatantly and obviously and in my face judge me on my appearance. yeah, so in conclusion, beefin, is, beefy.!

YEA! I'm glad i got to submit something (though i know that the nature of this beef file IS very girly in content but it was fun to write anyway!)


THE VERDICT: THAT'S BEEFIN' BEEFY IF I DO SAY SO MYSELF..

Beef Story #95

Author: Reuben

Steve and I were up at 7am for tennis and it's a long walk to the wiess tennis courts, so we're usually happy to take a Rice shuttle whenever we can. We saw the shuttle not too far away and then we started running to the bus stop to make sure we could get on. It looked as if the bus driver was going to slow down; however, we were about two seconds away from reaching the bus stop when the bus speeds up all of a sudden. We KNOW the driver saw us running. All I have to say about that is... BEEFY.


THE VERDICT: WE WERE TRAINED TO FIND AND FOLLOW THE OTHER BUSES AT ALL COSTS.

Beef Story #94

Author: Jonathan Krause

I have some major beef. Ohk, there is this weird girl here at Lingnan who is really weird, and she has some kind of indescribable grossness about her that is magnified by her ability to make me feel sick. I've been trying to avoid her, but she likes to talk to Americans and she ends up EVERYWHERE I am. She goes to the same meetings, she sees me around campus, and her dorm room is right by mine; she's even in one of my classes AND she goes to the same church! It was going to be two classes, but I dropped the other class. hehe.. I showed her! She advised me to reconsider! I'll reconsider NOTHING! HAHA But in the other class I have to run out of the room when class ends so I don't have to talk to her, it's like the toilet that Reuben has to deal with. So here is the beef, the church I go to is really far from school and this family offers to drive people in their car from our school, which saves me lots of bus and MTR fees. I said I'd go in their car this week. I've gone a few times and it is usually not too bad because a few different students come with us. But guess and who ends up coming this week?!! JUST ME AND HER!!!!!!!!! No other people to make it easier to avoid talking to her. Usually three people come. AND today turned out to be "compulsory going to lunch with the people" day. So I had to sit by her for lunch. I tried to get out of lunch 3 times.. no doing.. I thought the ride there was bad; I tried to make her talk to the family and I innocently looked out the window. But here's the beef. they said they can't take us back! We have to take the bus! A ONE HOUR BUS! Of course I have to go with her and walk and take the same bus and talk and be all "let's go back to school together", and I can't just IGNORE her and be mean. oh my.. it was terrible.. I pretended to fall asleep on the bus and not talk. it was so long.. beef.. beef I say.. Never offer someone a ride them make them go home with beefy people alone on the bus!


THE VERDICT: HOLY BEEF, BATMAN!!

Beef Story #93

Author: Reuben

I never thought I'd see the day when I had beef with Best Buy. Don't get me wrong, I love Best Buy...turn on the fun!! It's the best store ever...except for the whole rebate thing. I bought a 100 pack of CD-R's (for backup purposes of course) and it had two rebates so in effect I'd be paying only $9.99 for all those wonderful CD-R's!!! However, the two rebates must be mailed to different locations and they both require the ORIGINAL UPC code from the spindle. What the crap?!! How am I going to send the original upc to two places at once without a cloning device of some sort?? So i guess I'm going to have to settle for only one of the rebates because I wouldn't want to risk having BOTH rebates voided if I were to do something crazy like cut the upc code in half or (heaven forbid) PHOTOCOPY it. You haven't heard the last from me Best Buy!!!!


THE VERDICT: FUN TURN ON

Beef Story #92

Author: Reuben

The water pressure for the toilet in our room is so powerful that it sprays water everywhere. This is the nastiest thing i've ever experienced and my roomates and I must suffer through this torture everyday until Steve constructs a rope-and-pulley system that will allow us to flush the toilets from outside the stalls. Until then, I'll be "flushing and running."



THE VERDICT: YOOSA GOTTA BIG TOILET PROBLEM!!!